My Interview with America Magazine: The Evolution of Catholic Masculinity: 15 Questions for Dr. Aqualus Gordon

Find the interview here: http://americamagazine.org/content/all-things/evolution-catholic-masculinity-15-questions-dr-aqualus-gordon 

Decoding Your Myers-Briggs Personality (Part 2): Sensation & iNtuition

When you ask a person: “How do you know that?” you are asking them to draw on their perceptive trait – the second letter of the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator.  This trait drives how we become interested in one thing over the other, and most importantly it determines how we understand and how we explain. 

Sensation is the process of conscious awareness, and iNtuition is the process of unconscious awareness. 

Everyone has some degree of both perceptive traits.  iNtuitive individuals have a Sensing function that is subordinate to their iNtuition, and vice versa.  However, the dominant perceptive trait reflects the primary way a person perceives his/her world.

The perceptive processes are not simply passive in their nature.  They are generative -- helping the individual to formulate understanding and expectation.  Jung said that these traits are not “mere reactive process[es] of no further importance for the object."  He called them, "almost actions, which seize and shape the object...active and creative processes that [must] build into the object just as much as they take out.” 

The Sensation and iNtuition represent fundamental differences in how individuals interpret their environment and how they interpret themselves.  Sensers see the world as it is, and iNtuitives see the world as it might be. It may be because of this fundamental difference that people tend to relate best with others that share their same perceptive trait.  Indeed, the opposite is also true; i.e. iNtuitves may find Sensers too literal and unimaginative, while Sensers may find iNtuitives too abstract and unrealistic.  

SENSATION

Sensers focus on the present, concrete details, and are primarily oriented toward what is available to them through their five senses.

The Sense trait is directly to-do with how an individual perceives present reality to actually exist.  They are concerned with seeing the world as it is, accurately and without affectation.  

"His ideal is the actual, [and] he has no ideals related to ideas.”

Because of this, Sensers are more likely to seek out concrete and (seemingly) definitive ways of understanding things.  They will favor explanations that are grounded in what is provable rather than what "could be." 

For example, a Senser would be more likely to attribute the cause of a headache to skipping breakfast (which is provable) than to stress (which is less provable). 

Regarding individuals with this trait, Jung writes: “Nothing can be more than concrete and actual; conjectures that transcend, or go beyond the concrete, are only permitted on condition that they enhance sensation [or what is real]."

As well, Sensers are more likely to be drawn to things that "appeal to the senses."  That is, things that are objectively and presently appealing, rather than things that are potentially or relatedly appealing. For example, someone with a Sense dominant trait would more likely be interested in buying a well-maintained, furnished house over a promising fixer-upper.

In some cases, when someone with a strong S trait experiences a sensation that is out of line with reality – whether due to their unacknowledged intuition or some type of unconscious desire – Sensers may insist that their subjective perception is the objective truth.  This is a type of projection -- a defense mechanism.  Consider a painter, who after a frightening encounter with an unfriendly dog, produces a painting of the dog as snarling and foaming at the mouth with oversized teeth and beady eyes.  The Sensing painter may well insist the depiction is a true to form: an objective and unexaggerated account.  When in truth, the dog likely appeared far less menacing. The Senser’s intuition about the dog has unconsciously influenced what he believes to be an objective understanding.  

INTUITION

If the role of Sensation is to "discover the realities" of the objective situation, then the role of iNtuition is to "discover the possibilities" of that same situation.  iNtuition helps us see beyond the literal data of our objective sensations.  It is responsible for our ability to make connections, predict, and understand things outside of what is immediately evident. 

Jung notes that while the iNtuitive does have sensations, she “is not guided by them per se, merely using them as directing-points for [her] distant vision.” 

Unlike the Senser, the iNtuitive is oriented by this expanded vision, rather than by what arouses the strongest physiological sensation.  Instead, the iNtuitive is directed towards sensations that are expanded by her unconscious knowledge and attitudes. 

For example, a woman with a strong iNtuitive trait might be drawn to a particular dress that appeals to her because it (unconsciously) reminds her of her mother, or perhaps some other fond association.  That is to say, the dress has not stood out in an objective sense – e.g. the dress is the brightest, best cut, most popular, least expensive, etc. 

In many cases the iNtuitive will be unaware of the many of the contingencies driving their interest, since much of the related content may be unconscious to them or at least "subconscious."  In these cases, when the iNtuitive woman is asked why she like a particular dress, she may believe that her interest is based on (objective) sensations (i.e., “I like it because it’s the most beautiful") or she may be unclear as to specific source of her interest, and simply acknowledge: “I don’t know; I just liked it.”

In this way, you might call iNtuitives less connected to the present situation, focusing not on what is immediately in front of them, but instead bringing-to-bare an unconscious culmination of their past experiences, which is overlaid into their initial perception of reality in order to predict its course or envision the whole.  

“The intuitive is represented by a certain attitude of expectation: a perceptive and penetrating vision, wherein only the subsequent result can prove, in every case, how much was ‘perceived-into’.”

This, of course, has its draw-backs, as attending to "what could be" often defers attending to "what is."  This type of looking to the future can also bring with it a persistent dissatisfaction with things as they are.  As Jung notes, “because his eye is constantly ranging for new possibilities, stable conditions have an air of impending suffocation.”

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Both traits have their strengths and their weaknesses.  Sensation helps us to see things objectively, as they are in the present.  While, iNtuition helps us to see beyond what is obvious and envision what might be.  They are not unlike the rods and cones in our eyes, whose similar and yet specialized functions enhance and complement one another.

In Jung's view, the complementary relationship in these traits is transpersonal in nature – helping the whole of humanity achieve balance between “what is” and “what might be.” 

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Do the descriptions above match your experience being a Senser or an iNtuitive?  If so/not, let me know by comment or tweet. 

In Part 3, I'll talk about the third letter of the Myers-Briggs, the Judging traits: Thinking and Feeling.

Questions from Reddit: "Am I Gay?"

Does having 2 gay experiences change my sexuality even though I am straight?   (21m) 

You are what you are man. Technically there is a difference between Sexual Orientation and Sexuality Identity.
That being that Sexual Orientation refers to your actual attractions, behaviors, emotional connections, etc. It's not really binary or tri-nary. Many people find the Kinsey scale useful, which ranges sexual orientation from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), with varying degrees in between. However, Kinsey himself noted that even this was limiting, and that he could have made a 0 - 100 or 0 - 1000 point scale, but 0 - 6 was just more convenient for people to use.

Similarly, Gay/Straight/Bi are just convenient monikers for people to identify themselves.

So - you are what you are, don't get caught up on labeling it, because there's no way that any label is going to 100% suit your specific, complex sexuality. Said labels are only as useful as they are convenient, do not feel obligated to fit so neatly.

Am I lying if I tell people I am straight?

Nah, everyone doesn't need to know about who you've seen in the bedroom.

For instance -- Imagine there's a guy who's a meat-eater/omnivore. One day, on a whim or because someone convinced him to , he decides to eat vegetarian for a weekend. He finds it: meh.

Now - is this guy lying if he tells people he's a meat eater/non-vegetarian because he had a couple encounters with that side of things? I would say no. If he felt comfortable or was particularly close with someone, he might share with them that he'd given vegetarianism a try a few times. He might even have a veggie meal or two in the future, but ultimately he understands where his true interests lie and how far he's willing to go with .. kale.

The most important thing is that you don't give yourself a hard time about any of it.  You are who you are. 

Men are Finding New Ways to Mentor Younger Generations with the Help of Social Media

Imagine you’re a twenty-something year-old guy about to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done a number of times before, only this time you can’t seem to get an erection.  You make some excuse, you're just too tired or drunk or whatever, and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, but secretly: you’re mortified.  Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice? 

Some of us might talk to our dads – but quite a few of us may not have relationships with our fathers that would humor such a frank conversation; others might not have a father in our lives at all.  We might also just be too embarrassed.  You could ask your buddies – but they might just tease you.  Besides they’re roughly the same age as you, what more would they know anyway?  A coach or teacher, even a male one, might call the conversation too personal or too inappropriate to have with them.

Many guys are at a loss these days when it comes to asking for advice and seeking guidance, not just about sex but regarding many tough issues about what it means to be and become a man today.  Whether trying to figure out how to come-out to your parents, ask a girl on a date, fend off a bully, tie a necktie, get in shape, or ace an interview, at some point in a man’s life he will, or will want to at least, seek direction from those who've seen and done it before. 

Indeed, a primary contributor to the many of the problems young men face today is a lack of direction during their coming-of-age years and into adulthood. For a variety of social and cultural factors, many would-be mentors  are less willing or less able to form the requisite relationships with younger men and boys to offer such direction.  The reasons behind this cultural shift are many, such as: changes in family demographics that often leave fathers out of touch with their children; the high rate at which men are imprisoned in this country, especially within some marginalized communities; and misplaced social suspicion about men’s interactions with young people that make men wary of initiating or maintaining mentor relationships. 

Given these obstacles, many young men are left to haphazardly stumble from boyhood into manhood with only their adolescent instincts to guide them.  The results of this social experiment have been troubling to say the least.  In the past twenty years, the proportion of men attending college has fallen significantly.  Meanwhile, male rates for substance use, suicide, and violence (including school shooting and mass killings) continue to rise to alarming levels.

However, some young men are finding new ways to reach out to each other and older generations that get around some of the aforementioned barriers.   For instance, among the thousands of “subreddits” on the popular social media website reddit.com are a few that bring users in contact with one another in supportive and encouraging ways.  Some of my personal favorites include r/Daddit, r/AskDad, r/AskMen, r/AskMenOver30, r/AskWomen, r/fitness, r/malefashionadvice, r/sex, r/AskGayBros, r/explainlikeimfive, r/OneY, r/malegrooming, r/Finance.

These communities weren't necessarily designed with mentorship in mind, but browsing through the threads of these subreddits one will find countless instances of (primarily) young men airing their questions, worries, insecurities, and requesting advice about various dilemmas in their lives.  Absent the scrutiny that can accompany "real world" interactions, these guys have found a place where they can speak openly about concerns that are embarrassing, taboo, or "inappropriate" elsewhere.  The vast majority of these posts are met with genuine support and the best advice the internet can muster – with a bit of wit and irony folded in for flavor of course (this is still the Internet after all).   

One of the reason’s I’ve noted Reddit in particular is because its users are overwhelmingly young and male.  Though, it certainly isn’t the only place on the Internet where these kinds of mentorships are forming.  From Facebook groups, to gamer forums, to YouTube, young men are connecting with each other, older generations, and “gurus” to ask questions and seek guidance on things they may have had a hard time talking about offline.

Of course, the interactions and responses aren’t always perfect, but neither are the face-to-face ones -- nor must they be.  From this psychologist’s perspective, what is most important are the personal connections being made.  Because, beyond advice, what mentors offer young men is the sense that they aren’t alone in their experiences, that someone else has gone through it and has lived to laugh about it.  And while “real life” mentorships are indispensable, it is heartening to see that a number of guys are finding innovative ways to connect with and support one another. 

Reconnecting with our Young Men -or- How to Prevent School Shootings

Forget gun control, video game restrictions, and even after-the-fact mental health treatment.  The real way to prevent school shootings, as well as a host of other violent acts in the U.S. is to re-engage and reconnect with boys and young men in this country. 

Has anyone noticed that most of the recent school shootings and mass killings have been committed by young white guys?  If the string of shooting in American schools had been perpetrated so consistently by any other racial, religious, etc identity group, the public conversation about “what to do” about these continued acts of extraordinary violence might be much shifted.  But when it comes to school shooting, the media, politicians, and the public seem to have all-but ignored and even denied the fact that the overwhelming majority of recent school shootings have been committed by young white men. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  The purpose of this article isn’t to point fingers.  But we do need to take an intelligent look at where the violence is being perpetrated, and by whom, in order to address the true causes of this heartbreaking issue.  We are not doing this group of boys and young men any favors by ignoring who they are.

The current hot topics around school shootings are too little-too late, and they do not address the root of the problem.  Sure, stricter gun laws might make it more difficult for a would-be school shooter to arm himself, and more accessible mental health treatment could aid in identifying some of the boys and men who may be at risk for committing such acts.  But the prevalence of guns and gun owners in this country means that any future gun legislation would have a negligible impact on the current crisis.  And while better access to mental health treatment is much needed in this country in general, most psychologist will tell you (this one included) that it is nearly impossible to determine with any certainty if a particular individual is truly planning to carry out violence against others.  In fact, those that are legitimately planning to carry out violence will do their best to avoid speaking with a therapist or counselor.  What are needed, are ways to prevent our boys and young men from feeling the need to commit such terrible violence in the first place.

We have an epidemic on our hands.  And like a biological epidemic, the most useful course of action isn’t just to treat the current problem, but also to understand the nature of the disease in order to prevent it from recurring.  

So here is what we know:  Nearly every school shooting since the 1999 massacre at Columbine High School, has been committed by a white male in his late-teens to mid-twenties.  The majority of these young men are described as having few friends, having few romantic prospects, no positive mentors or role-models, and were otherwise isolated.  In most cases, the shooter’s feelings of isolation and loneliness seem to have been directly related to his reasons (flawed as they may be) for carrying out such devastating acts:

 “All I wanted was respect.... No one respected me.”  - Alvaro Castillo, Orange High School

“I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things.”  - Eric Harris, Columbine High School

About this dynamic, Peter Langman, a psychologist who studies mass shootings noted that "These kids often feel very powerless. The one way they can feel like they're somebody, that they're a man, is to get a gun and kill people."  In other words, these are boys who had not been taught appropriate ways of gaining respect, dealing with conflict, and feeling empowered.

In some cases, the shooters had been previously diagnosed with serious mental illness; though, not all of them had been.  But keep in mind, low self-esteem, social isolation, mockery, teasing, and bullying have been shown to cause psychological distress and disorders, such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, and even psychosis.  This means that these issues are not only treatable; they are also preventable.  

In the past, many children could at least count on having a devoted set of parents and extended family to rely on.  However, today broken homes are all too common.  In most cases this means an absent father or any supportive adult male figure in a kid's life, a situation that research suggests has a greater negative impact on boys. 

Men who grew up in fatherless households are at a much higher risk for negative outcomes, such as low self-esteem, mood disorders, dropping out of school, drug & alcohol abuse, homelessness, and incarceration.  What’s more, mentoring relationships between younger and older men have also been on the decline.  So many boys and young men today are at a loss when navigating the trek between boyhood and manhood.  They are unsure of themselves, their emotions, and the cornucopia of urges & impulses that come along with developing into a man.  And they fumble through this confusing time with the shortsightedness of adolescence.  No one having ever told them what to do when they get angry, or when they’re rejected by a crush, when everyone ignores them, or when a bully just won’t let up.  So they are left to figure it out for themselves, which, as we continue to see, can lead to disastrous results.  

We must acknowledge the connection between boys who are growing up without positive peer and mentor relationships in their lives and the increase in mass killings in this country.  Doing so makes it apparent that supportive relationships and social connectedness are paramount to helping our nation’s young men achieve and maintain psychological fitness.  A psychologically fit young man will be less likely to be overwhelmed by his day-to-day life, and will cope with life’s frustrations in more appropriate ways. Even those individuals with long-standing and/or severe mental illnesses benefit psychologically and behaviorally from having these types of positive relationships in their lives.  If we can find ways to restore our young men’s sense of being supported by- and connected to others, we can begin to rein in their need to act out in such tragic ways.

It may sound too simple, but supportive social connections are fundamental to psychological health.  Frank Robertz, a criminologist and social scientist at the Institute for Violence Prevention and Applied Criminology wrote:

Strong relationships with peers, teachers and other adults provide an even more effective shield against destructive fantasies. Criminologists have known for decades that building and maintaining relationships with socially accepted people is the best way to prevent violence. When a youth establishes ties to people he cares about, he is apt to feel that he has too much at stake to act out his brutal dreams.

Unfortunately, opportunities for children and adolescents to form and foster these types of positive connections are diminishing.  For instance, many schools have been forced to cut programs that encourage students to connect and interact with teachers/adults and peers outside of the classroom.  Some schools have even reduced lunch times to as little as fifteen minutes, in addition to reducing or altogether cutting things like P.E., sports, afterschool programs, and fine arts.  As well, the current culture of our education system discourages positive personal connections between students and teachers/coaches, who have historically served as adult mentors and role-models.  Schools would do well to encourage the implementation of programs and activities that connect students with peers and mentors in more personal and supportive ways.  This might include growing or reinstituting extracurricular activities for students, or bringing in experiential programs like Challenge Day that seek to build compassionate connections within school communities. 

Boys and young men have also been adversely affected by other social and cultural changes that have neglected them, seemingly believing that they are “doing just fine” or “tough enough” to handle it.  These changes have left them to fend for themselves, and we are witnessing the results – a real life Lord of the Flies.

What will reduce violence perpetrated by these young men is to help them feel supported, understood, and good about themselves through a revitalization of programs and opportunities aimed specifically at helping our boys grow into good men.  Some examples of these types of programs already exist, such as The Boys to Men Mentoring Program and Steve Harvey’s Mentoring Program for Young Men.  Many of these programs for young men are targeted at inner city and minority youth -- communities that have been aware of the need to redirect their young men away from gun violence for some time now.  But as is now abundantly clear, this type of violence is not exclusive to the inner city or minority youth.  In fact, the recent rash of mass shootings has happened almost exclusively outside of urban areas. 

If we really want to get serious about curbing mass shootings, we have to address the root cause of the problem: that an entire generation of young men have been left to their own devices about growing up in a society that may only regard them as privileged, and in doing so has neglected to attend to their basic human need for guidance, connection, and support.

A few months back, I wrote an article about a school shooting that didn’t happen because of a momentary act of support and compassion that reached the heart of a young man, who walked into an elementary school intending to commit violence. 

Yesterday, Antoinette Tuff showed a young man this type of genuine compassion, even while he was in the midst of pursuing terrible acts.  And having gotten the one, true thing that caused him to show up to that school in the first place – acknowledgement, love, and compassion from another person – Michael put down his gun and turned himself in.

There is something important to be learned here – if an act of compassion could stop this shooter even after he’d decided to lash out.  Imagine how much violence can be prevented if we reach out to our young men well before they feel the need to turn to such catastrophic means of gaining our attention.

Elliott Hulse on how to BE MORE ASSERTIVE

Sound advice as always -- 
Elliott Hulse offers men two tools for being more assertive in life: 
1) Be a "No Man" 
2) Commit your Will 

The 40 Manliest Man Quotes

See the full list @ http://www.curatedquotes.com/man-quotes/