Redditor to Redditor: Male Mentorship and Social Media

Suppose you’re a twenty-something-year-old guy who’s getting ready to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done countless times before, only this time, you can’t get an erection.  You make some excuse and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, and you tell her that you’re just too tired or drunk or whatever, but secretly: you are mortified. 

Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice? 

You might talk to your dad, but I suspect that many guys might not a relationship with their father that could humor such a frank conversation – if you’re fortunate enough to have a father in your life at all.  You could ask your buddies – but you’re worried they might tease you about it.  Besides they’re roughly the same age as you, what more could they know anyway?  A coach or teacher, even a male one, might regard the conversation as too personal or too inappropriate.  In my experience, many would-be mentors are so worried that tough conversations like these could land them in hot-water that they’re unwilling to take the personal or professional risk.

This leaves many young guys at a loss these days when it comes to asking for advice and seeking guidance, not just about sex, but any tough issue or embarrassing issue that might come up in a young man’s life. Whether that be trying to figure out how to come-out to your parents, ask a girl on a date, fend off a bully, or tie a necktie at some point in a man’s life he’ll need the guidance of those who came before.

One of the primary contributors to the problems that young men face today is a lack of mentorship – whether that be in personal or professional capacities. For a variety of social and cultural factors, many men, and would be mentors,  are less willing and/or less able to form close relationships with younger men and boys than in the past.  The reasons behind this cultural shift are many, including: changes in family demographics that leave fathers out of touch with their children; the high rate at which men are imprisoned in this country, especially within some marginalized communities; and misplaced social suspicion regarding men’s interactions with young people. 

The result is that many young men are left to haphazardly amble into manhood with only their adolescent instincts to guide them.  The results of this social experiment have been troubling to say the least.  In the past twenty years, the proportion of men attending college has fallen significantly; while male rates for substance use, suicide, and violence (including school shooting and mass killings) continue to rise to alarming levels.

However, some young men are finding new ways to seek out to each other and older generations for advice and mentorship that subvert some of the aforementioned barriers.  Reddit.com serves as an excellent example.  For instance, among the thousands of “subreddits” on the popular social media website are some that are bringing users in contact with one another in supportive and encouraging ways.  Some of my personal favorites include r/AskMen, r/AskMenOver30, r/AskWomen, r/fitness, r/malefashionadvice, r/sex, r/AskGayBros, r/explainlikeimfive, r/OneY, r/malegrooming, r/Finance.

These communities weren’t necessarily designed with mentorship in mind, but browsing through the threads of these subreddits you find countless instances of (primarily) young men airing their questions, worries, and insecurities or requesting for advice for a variety of life’s dilemmas.  The vast majority of these posts are met with genuine support and the best advice the internet can muster – with a bit of wit and irony folded in for flavor, or course.  A few examples:

After my friends have kids, will I ever see them again or should I prepare for our lives to drift apart forever?

We're all early 30s. I'm a childfree single career focused guy but some of my other friends are married and expecting. Should I prepare to lose them because they'll only have time for children? Or is it more complicated than that?

The top reply offers an honest response: MrDubious writes: Top of Form

Yes, and it's also more complicated than that.

The first year of parenting is insane. Like, to anyone who's never done it, you will not understand the impact. You have next to zero free time, you're constantly exhausted, and you're not getting much sleep.

Your friends may be unable to hang out for a bit, uncommunicative, and frazzled. But it doesn't mean they're not thinking about you, and after they get settled into their parenting routines, they'll start having time to hang out again. What's more, they'll be dying to hang out.

It's not "they're going away". It's "their job got really freaking busy for a while, hang in there and offer support".

 Some questions are more serious in nature.  In the below example, one redditor asks about how to handle grief:

My girlfriend passed away Tue how did you guys cope with losing your girlfriend/wife?

Found out Tue night while at work that she didn't wake up (she has bad sleep apnea and also took pain meds for her fibromyalgia) and I guess she was sleeping so good that when she couldn't get air and it didn't wake her up, she was 27 and we was about to be first time homeowners next week since we didn't enjoy living in a apartment since we had tons of problems with plumbing. We were with each other for 2 years and 4 months.

Also did anyone keep else keep in touch with the family? Tabby parents are in Nebraska and that is where she is getting laid at (while we lived in Iowa) so it is like 5 hour drive to go see her grave, did you guys still after all the years still go to the grave?

The responses are direct:

polyfionicspree 

Therapy. Don't avoid it.

And sympathetic:

nondescriptname1 

I've had a girlfriend die she was my first girlfriend in fact. We were only 17. That was the worst. I don't have any innovative coping mechanism because it just sucks and there's no ifs ands or buts about it sucking. you've just got to give yourself lots of time and after you've given yourself some time you'll find someone else you makes you feel fulfilled. It's not as easy to find someone who makes you feel fulfilled in the same way because she can never be replaced but finding someone who fulfills you in a different way is a lot more doable. I'm happily married now to someone very different and someone who wasn't there to fill the void (because that can't happen) but makes me feel great in an entirely different way.

One of the key benefits of these types of interactions, is that those seeking advice or direction on issues that seem difficult to bring up in person.  In the below example, one user describes how his relationship to sex has made it a chore for him:

As a man I don't really enjoy sex

I don't know if it's just me, but sex seems completely one sided. As a man I feel obligated to make sure the lady enjoys herself, like I'm to put on a kind of performance. Slowly I've begun to realize I get no enjoyment out of it anymore and it's just a big hassle.

I like to think I'm good at it, I've had my adventures and fun experimentation. It used to be that I'd get pleasure out of the orgasms she'd have, but now I'm just realizing it's a shit deal. I'd like to enjoy it too. Is this common?

Once again, the responses to the original poster’s (OP’s) concerns were both informative and compassionate:

HalfysReddit: 

OP I have noticed something sort of similar, perhaps this holds true for you as well.

How much I enjoy sex seems to be directly correlated to how thirsty I am for it. Like if I'm having sex three times a day, each individual instance is going to be pretty underwhelming, and probably seem more like a chore than a fun time. Once a day? Still fun, although doesn't seem worth the extra work that goes into it versus masturbation. But find me a few days after not getting any? I'll tear it up and finish in half the time.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that perhaps you're just having sex more often than your libido wants to, maybe you'd benefit from having it less often.

Grecco_Roman_Fire:

A good, sexy partner is going to try to make you feel as good as you make her feel.

I had a girlfriend once who really revolutionized the way I thought about sex. She told me "my orgasms are my responsibility. I love you and I will get off. Those are not your job. Your job is your orgasms and you feeling good. You communicate that to me and I'll communicate it to you."

It changed the way I looked at sex. My (and your) feelings are important too as well as your sensations. If it feels like you are doing all the work and no play, then you probably need to talk about that with her.

One of the reasons I highlight reddit in particular is because its users overwhelmingly young (nearly 50% of reddit’s users are ages of 18-24, 35% are 25-34) and male (78%).  But it certainly isn’t the only place on the Internet where these types of relationships are forming among guys.  From YouTube, to Facebook groups, to various forums around the Net, young men are connecting with each other, older generations, and gurus to ask questions and seek guidance on things they may have a tough time talking about offline.

The interactions and responses aren’t necessarily perfect, but neither are face-to-face interactions, and nor need they be.  What is important is the sense of connectedness and guidance being providing to and from these men and their mentors. Because, beyond advice, what these types of relationships can provide to young men is a sense that they aren’t alone in their experiences, that someone else has gone through it, and lived to laugh about it.  And while “real life” mentor relationships are indispensable, it is heartening to see that some guys have found new ways to connect with and support one another.

Men are Finding New Ways to Mentor Younger Generations with the Help of Social Media

Imagine you’re a twenty-something year-old guy about to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done a number of times before, only this time you can’t seem to get an erection.  You make some excuse, you're just too tired or drunk or whatever, and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, but secretly: you’re mortified.  Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice? 

Some of us might talk to our dads – but quite a few of us may not have relationships with our fathers that would humor such a frank conversation; others might not have a father in our lives at all.  We might also just be too embarrassed.  You could ask your buddies – but they might just tease you.  Besides they’re roughly the same age as you, what more would they know anyway?  A coach or teacher, even a male one, might call the conversation too personal or too inappropriate to have with them.

Many guys are at a loss these days when it comes to asking for advice and seeking guidance, not just about sex but regarding many tough issues about what it means to be and become a man today.  Whether trying to figure out how to come-out to your parents, ask a girl on a date, fend off a bully, tie a necktie, get in shape, or ace an interview, at some point in a man’s life he will, or will want to at least, seek direction from those who've seen and done it before. 

Indeed, a primary contributor to the many of the problems young men face today is a lack of direction during their coming-of-age years and into adulthood. For a variety of social and cultural factors, many would-be mentors  are less willing or less able to form the requisite relationships with younger men and boys to offer such direction.  The reasons behind this cultural shift are many, such as: changes in family demographics that often leave fathers out of touch with their children; the high rate at which men are imprisoned in this country, especially within some marginalized communities; and misplaced social suspicion about men’s interactions with young people that make men wary of initiating or maintaining mentor relationships. 

Given these obstacles, many young men are left to haphazardly stumble from boyhood into manhood with only their adolescent instincts to guide them.  The results of this social experiment have been troubling to say the least.  In the past twenty years, the proportion of men attending college has fallen significantly.  Meanwhile, male rates for substance use, suicide, and violence (including school shooting and mass killings) continue to rise to alarming levels.

However, some young men are finding new ways to reach out to each other and older generations that get around some of the aforementioned barriers.   For instance, among the thousands of “subreddits” on the popular social media website reddit.com are a few that bring users in contact with one another in supportive and encouraging ways.  Some of my personal favorites include r/Daddit, r/AskDad, r/AskMen, r/AskMenOver30, r/AskWomen, r/fitness, r/malefashionadvice, r/sex, r/AskGayBros, r/explainlikeimfive, r/OneY, r/malegrooming, r/Finance.

These communities weren't necessarily designed with mentorship in mind, but browsing through the threads of these subreddits one will find countless instances of (primarily) young men airing their questions, worries, insecurities, and requesting advice about various dilemmas in their lives.  Absent the scrutiny that can accompany "real world" interactions, these guys have found a place where they can speak openly about concerns that are embarrassing, taboo, or "inappropriate" elsewhere.  The vast majority of these posts are met with genuine support and the best advice the internet can muster – with a bit of wit and irony folded in for flavor of course (this is still the Internet after all).   

One of the reason’s I’ve noted Reddit in particular is because its users are overwhelmingly young and male.  Though, it certainly isn’t the only place on the Internet where these kinds of mentorships are forming.  From Facebook groups, to gamer forums, to YouTube, young men are connecting with each other, older generations, and “gurus” to ask questions and seek guidance on things they may have had a hard time talking about offline.

Of course, the interactions and responses aren’t always perfect, but neither are the face-to-face ones -- nor must they be.  From this psychologist’s perspective, what is most important are the personal connections being made.  Because, beyond advice, what mentors offer young men is the sense that they aren’t alone in their experiences, that someone else has gone through it and has lived to laugh about it.  And while “real life” mentorships are indispensable, it is heartening to see that a number of guys are finding innovative ways to connect with and support one another. 

Reconnecting with our Young Men -or- How to Prevent School Shootings

Forget gun control, video game restrictions, and even after-the-fact mental health treatment.  The real way to prevent school shootings, as well as a host of other violent acts in the U.S. is to re-engage and reconnect with boys and young men in this country. 

Has anyone noticed that most of the recent school shootings and mass killings have been committed by young white guys?  If the string of shooting in American schools had been perpetrated so consistently by any other racial, religious, etc identity group, the public conversation about “what to do” about these continued acts of extraordinary violence might be much shifted.  But when it comes to school shooting, the media, politicians, and the public seem to have all-but ignored and even denied the fact that the overwhelming majority of recent school shootings have been committed by young white men. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  The purpose of this article isn’t to point fingers.  But we do need to take an intelligent look at where the violence is being perpetrated, and by whom, in order to address the true causes of this heartbreaking issue.  We are not doing this group of boys and young men any favors by ignoring who they are.

The current hot topics around school shootings are too little-too late, and they do not address the root of the problem.  Sure, stricter gun laws might make it more difficult for a would-be school shooter to arm himself, and more accessible mental health treatment could aid in identifying some of the boys and men who may be at risk for committing such acts.  But the prevalence of guns and gun owners in this country means that any future gun legislation would have a negligible impact on the current crisis.  And while better access to mental health treatment is much needed in this country in general, most psychologist will tell you (this one included) that it is nearly impossible to determine with any certainty if a particular individual is truly planning to carry out violence against others.  In fact, those that are legitimately planning to carry out violence will do their best to avoid speaking with a therapist or counselor.  What are needed, are ways to prevent our boys and young men from feeling the need to commit such terrible violence in the first place.

We have an epidemic on our hands.  And like a biological epidemic, the most useful course of action isn’t just to treat the current problem, but also to understand the nature of the disease in order to prevent it from recurring.  

So here is what we know:  Nearly every school shooting since the 1999 massacre at Columbine High School, has been committed by a white male in his late-teens to mid-twenties.  The majority of these young men are described as having few friends, having few romantic prospects, no positive mentors or role-models, and were otherwise isolated.  In most cases, the shooter’s feelings of isolation and loneliness seem to have been directly related to his reasons (flawed as they may be) for carrying out such devastating acts:

 “All I wanted was respect.... No one respected me.”  - Alvaro Castillo, Orange High School

“I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things.”  - Eric Harris, Columbine High School

About this dynamic, Peter Langman, a psychologist who studies mass shootings noted that "These kids often feel very powerless. The one way they can feel like they're somebody, that they're a man, is to get a gun and kill people."  In other words, these are boys who had not been taught appropriate ways of gaining respect, dealing with conflict, and feeling empowered.

In some cases, the shooters had been previously diagnosed with serious mental illness; though, not all of them had been.  But keep in mind, low self-esteem, social isolation, mockery, teasing, and bullying have been shown to cause psychological distress and disorders, such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, and even psychosis.  This means that these issues are not only treatable; they are also preventable.  

In the past, many children could at least count on having a devoted set of parents and extended family to rely on.  However, today broken homes are all too common.  In most cases this means an absent father or any supportive adult male figure in a kid's life, a situation that research suggests has a greater negative impact on boys. 

Men who grew up in fatherless households are at a much higher risk for negative outcomes, such as low self-esteem, mood disorders, dropping out of school, drug & alcohol abuse, homelessness, and incarceration.  What’s more, mentoring relationships between younger and older men have also been on the decline.  So many boys and young men today are at a loss when navigating the trek between boyhood and manhood.  They are unsure of themselves, their emotions, and the cornucopia of urges & impulses that come along with developing into a man.  And they fumble through this confusing time with the shortsightedness of adolescence.  No one having ever told them what to do when they get angry, or when they’re rejected by a crush, when everyone ignores them, or when a bully just won’t let up.  So they are left to figure it out for themselves, which, as we continue to see, can lead to disastrous results.  

We must acknowledge the connection between boys who are growing up without positive peer and mentor relationships in their lives and the increase in mass killings in this country.  Doing so makes it apparent that supportive relationships and social connectedness are paramount to helping our nation’s young men achieve and maintain psychological fitness.  A psychologically fit young man will be less likely to be overwhelmed by his day-to-day life, and will cope with life’s frustrations in more appropriate ways. Even those individuals with long-standing and/or severe mental illnesses benefit psychologically and behaviorally from having these types of positive relationships in their lives.  If we can find ways to restore our young men’s sense of being supported by- and connected to others, we can begin to rein in their need to act out in such tragic ways.

It may sound too simple, but supportive social connections are fundamental to psychological health.  Frank Robertz, a criminologist and social scientist at the Institute for Violence Prevention and Applied Criminology wrote:

Strong relationships with peers, teachers and other adults provide an even more effective shield against destructive fantasies. Criminologists have known for decades that building and maintaining relationships with socially accepted people is the best way to prevent violence. When a youth establishes ties to people he cares about, he is apt to feel that he has too much at stake to act out his brutal dreams.

Unfortunately, opportunities for children and adolescents to form and foster these types of positive connections are diminishing.  For instance, many schools have been forced to cut programs that encourage students to connect and interact with teachers/adults and peers outside of the classroom.  Some schools have even reduced lunch times to as little as fifteen minutes, in addition to reducing or altogether cutting things like P.E., sports, afterschool programs, and fine arts.  As well, the current culture of our education system discourages positive personal connections between students and teachers/coaches, who have historically served as adult mentors and role-models.  Schools would do well to encourage the implementation of programs and activities that connect students with peers and mentors in more personal and supportive ways.  This might include growing or reinstituting extracurricular activities for students, or bringing in experiential programs like Challenge Day that seek to build compassionate connections within school communities. 

Boys and young men have also been adversely affected by other social and cultural changes that have neglected them, seemingly believing that they are “doing just fine” or “tough enough” to handle it.  These changes have left them to fend for themselves, and we are witnessing the results – a real life Lord of the Flies.

What will reduce violence perpetrated by these young men is to help them feel supported, understood, and good about themselves through a revitalization of programs and opportunities aimed specifically at helping our boys grow into good men.  Some examples of these types of programs already exist, such as The Boys to Men Mentoring Program and Steve Harvey’s Mentoring Program for Young Men.  Many of these programs for young men are targeted at inner city and minority youth -- communities that have been aware of the need to redirect their young men away from gun violence for some time now.  But as is now abundantly clear, this type of violence is not exclusive to the inner city or minority youth.  In fact, the recent rash of mass shootings has happened almost exclusively outside of urban areas. 

If we really want to get serious about curbing mass shootings, we have to address the root cause of the problem: that an entire generation of young men have been left to their own devices about growing up in a society that may only regard them as privileged, and in doing so has neglected to attend to their basic human need for guidance, connection, and support.

A few months back, I wrote an article about a school shooting that didn’t happen because of a momentary act of support and compassion that reached the heart of a young man, who walked into an elementary school intending to commit violence. 

Yesterday, Antoinette Tuff showed a young man this type of genuine compassion, even while he was in the midst of pursuing terrible acts.  And having gotten the one, true thing that caused him to show up to that school in the first place – acknowledgement, love, and compassion from another person – Michael put down his gun and turned himself in.

There is something important to be learned here – if an act of compassion could stop this shooter even after he’d decided to lash out.  Imagine how much violence can be prevented if we reach out to our young men well before they feel the need to turn to such catastrophic means of gaining our attention.

Pia Glenn on Richard Sherman: "A Black Weekend Update Special Report!" (Video)

YouTube's Pia Glenn offers some hilarious straight talk about racist reactions to Richard Sherman's interview. 

The 40 Manliest Man Quotes

See the full list @ http://www.curatedquotes.com/man-quotes/

Black Men w/ Beards: A Philadelphia Trend Reflecting Religion & Regional Style (video)

Philadelphia is known as "the city of brotherly love" and these brothas' love their beards. The beard has a special significance in Philadelphia culture and it is unlike any other city in America. In Philadelphia the beard is an expression of individuality, religious observance and civic pride. "That's what God gave us, hair on the face," said Leroy Robinson Jr., a barber at New Identity Barbershop who has been cutting heads and beards in Philadelphia for 33 years. Each man possesses the capability to grow a beard, and for each man, there is a reason motivating his choice to grow or to shave, to groom, trim or leave alone. The Sunni Beard is the story of one such beard, which is worn by many of Philadelphia's Muslim converts, and is a prominent feature of chins, cheeks, and jowls throughout town.

From PhillyBeard.com

Youtuber Comes Out to His Mom in an Emotional Video

Wow.. This one will hit you right in the feels.  

Youtuber Ryan records himself coming out to his mother in a candid and emotional moment.  It takes him a while to find his words.  But once he does, his mother's response is priceless. 

Ryan's reason for recording and sharing this moment with the web:

I made this video because when I was contemplating coming out for the last year, I found other similar videos of people coming out to family members on a hidden camera really helpful. I noticed that there weren't very many of these videos, so I wanted to create my own to help other people in the same way that I found these videos helpful. If you've created a similar one, I guarantee you I've seen it, so thank you so much for helping me. My mom reacted in an amazing way, and I really hope that all of you have a similar experience.

Let me know what you think.