Questions from Reddit: "Am I Gay?"
I respond to a redditor who wonders if having a couple sexual experiences with another guy makes him gay.
Does having 2 gay experiences change my sexuality even though I am straight? (21m)
You are what you are man. Technically there is a difference between Sexual Orientation and Sexuality Identity.
That being that Sexual Orientation refers to your actual attractions, behaviors, emotional connections, etc. It's not really binary or tri-nary. Many people find the Kinsey scale useful, which ranges sexual orientation from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), with varying degrees in between. However, Kinsey himself noted that even this was limiting, and that he could have made a 0 - 100 or 0 - 1000 point scale, but 0 - 6 was just more convenient for people to use.
Similarly, Gay/Straight/Bi are just convenient monikers for people to identify themselves.
So - you are what you are, don't get caught up on labeling it, because there's no way that any label is going to 100% suit your specific, complex sexuality. Said labels are only as useful as they are convenient, do not feel obligated to fit so neatly.
Am I lying if I tell people I am straight?
Nah, everyone doesn't need to know about who you've seen in the bedroom.
For instance -- Imagine there's a guy who's a meat-eater/omnivore. One day, on a whim or because someone convinced him to , he decides to eat vegetarian for a weekend. He finds it: meh.
Now - is this guy lying if he tells people he's a meat eater/non-vegetarian because he had a couple encounters with that side of things? I would say no. If he felt comfortable or was particularly close with someone, he might share with them that he'd given vegetarianism a try a few times. He might even have a veggie meal or two in the future, but ultimately he understands where his true interests lie and how far he's willing to go with .. kale.
The most important thing is that you don't give yourself a hard time about any of it. You are who you are.
Redditor to Redditor: Male Mentorship and Social Media
Young men are finding new ways to reach out to each other and older generations for advice and mentorship.
Suppose you’re a twenty-something-year-old guy who’s getting ready to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done countless times before, only this time, you can’t get an erection. You make some excuse and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, and you tell her that you’re just too tired or drunk or whatever, but secretly: you are mortified.
Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice?
You might talk to your dad, but I suspect that many guys might not a relationship with their father that could humor such a frank conversation – if you’re fortunate enough to have a father in your life at all. You could ask your buddies – but you’re worried they might tease you about it. Besides they’re roughly the same age as you, what more could they know anyway? A coach or teacher, even a male one, might regard the conversation as too personal or too inappropriate. In my experience, many would-be mentors are so worried that tough conversations like these could land them in hot-water that they’re unwilling to take the personal or professional risk.
This leaves many young guys at a loss these days when it comes to asking for advice and seeking guidance, not just about sex, but any tough issue or embarrassing issue that might come up in a young man’s life. Whether that be trying to figure out how to come-out to your parents, ask a girl on a date, fend off a bully, or tie a necktie at some point in a man’s life he’ll need the guidance of those who came before.
One of the primary contributors to the problems that young men face today is a lack of mentorship – whether that be in personal or professional capacities. For a variety of social and cultural factors, many men, and would be mentors, are less willing and/or less able to form close relationships with younger men and boys than in the past. The reasons behind this cultural shift are many, including: changes in family demographics that leave fathers out of touch with their children; the high rate at which men are imprisoned in this country, especially within some marginalized communities; and misplaced social suspicion regarding men’s interactions with young people.
The result is that many young men are left to haphazardly amble into manhood with only their adolescent instincts to guide them. The results of this social experiment have been troubling to say the least. In the past twenty years, the proportion of men attending college has fallen significantly; while male rates for substance use, suicide, and violence (including school shooting and mass killings) continue to rise to alarming levels.
However, some young men are finding new ways to seek out to each other and older generations for advice and mentorship that subvert some of the aforementioned barriers. Reddit.com serves as an excellent example. For instance, among the thousands of “subreddits” on the popular social media website are some that are bringing users in contact with one another in supportive and encouraging ways. Some of my personal favorites include r/AskMen, r/AskMenOver30, r/AskWomen, r/fitness, r/malefashionadvice, r/sex, r/AskGayBros, r/explainlikeimfive, r/OneY, r/malegrooming, r/Finance.
These communities weren’t necessarily designed with mentorship in mind, but browsing through the threads of these subreddits you find countless instances of (primarily) young men airing their questions, worries, and insecurities or requesting for advice for a variety of life’s dilemmas. The vast majority of these posts are met with genuine support and the best advice the internet can muster – with a bit of wit and irony folded in for flavor, or course. A few examples:
We're all early 30s. I'm a childfree single career focused guy but some of my other friends are married and expecting. Should I prepare to lose them because they'll only have time for children? Or is it more complicated than that?
The top reply offers an honest response: MrDubious writes: Top of Form
Yes, and it's also more complicated than that.
The first year of parenting is insane. Like, to anyone who's never done it, you will not understand the impact. You have next to zero free time, you're constantly exhausted, and you're not getting much sleep.
Your friends may be unable to hang out for a bit, uncommunicative, and frazzled. But it doesn't mean they're not thinking about you, and after they get settled into their parenting routines, they'll start having time to hang out again. What's more, they'll be dying to hang out.
It's not "they're going away". It's "their job got really freaking busy for a while, hang in there and offer support".
Some questions are more serious in nature. In the below example, one redditor asks about how to handle grief:
My girlfriend passed away Tue how did you guys cope with losing your girlfriend/wife?
Found out Tue night while at work that she didn't wake up (she has bad sleep apnea and also took pain meds for her fibromyalgia) and I guess she was sleeping so good that when she couldn't get air and it didn't wake her up, she was 27 and we was about to be first time homeowners next week since we didn't enjoy living in a apartment since we had tons of problems with plumbing. We were with each other for 2 years and 4 months.
Also did anyone keep else keep in touch with the family? Tabby parents are in Nebraska and that is where she is getting laid at (while we lived in Iowa) so it is like 5 hour drive to go see her grave, did you guys still after all the years still go to the grave?
The responses are direct:
Therapy. Don't avoid it.
And sympathetic:
I've had a girlfriend die she was my first girlfriend in fact. We were only 17. That was the worst. I don't have any innovative coping mechanism because it just sucks and there's no ifs ands or buts about it sucking. you've just got to give yourself lots of time and after you've given yourself some time you'll find someone else you makes you feel fulfilled. It's not as easy to find someone who makes you feel fulfilled in the same way because she can never be replaced but finding someone who fulfills you in a different way is a lot more doable. I'm happily married now to someone very different and someone who wasn't there to fill the void (because that can't happen) but makes me feel great in an entirely different way.
One of the key benefits of these types of interactions, is that those seeking advice or direction on issues that seem difficult to bring up in person. In the below example, one user describes how his relationship to sex has made it a chore for him:
As a man I don't really enjoy sex
I don't know if it's just me, but sex seems completely one sided. As a man I feel obligated to make sure the lady enjoys herself, like I'm to put on a kind of performance. Slowly I've begun to realize I get no enjoyment out of it anymore and it's just a big hassle.
I like to think I'm good at it, I've had my adventures and fun experimentation. It used to be that I'd get pleasure out of the orgasms she'd have, but now I'm just realizing it's a shit deal. I'd like to enjoy it too. Is this common?
Once again, the responses to the original poster’s (OP’s) concerns were both informative and compassionate:
OP I have noticed something sort of similar, perhaps this holds true for you as well.
How much I enjoy sex seems to be directly correlated to how thirsty I am for it. Like if I'm having sex three times a day, each individual instance is going to be pretty underwhelming, and probably seem more like a chore than a fun time. Once a day? Still fun, although doesn't seem worth the extra work that goes into it versus masturbation. But find me a few days after not getting any? I'll tear it up and finish in half the time.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that perhaps you're just having sex more often than your libido wants to, maybe you'd benefit from having it less often.
A good, sexy partner is going to try to make you feel as good as you make her feel.
I had a girlfriend once who really revolutionized the way I thought about sex. She told me "my orgasms are my responsibility. I love you and I will get off. Those are not your job. Your job is your orgasms and you feeling good. You communicate that to me and I'll communicate it to you."
It changed the way I looked at sex. My (and your) feelings are important too as well as your sensations. If it feels like you are doing all the work and no play, then you probably need to talk about that with her.
One of the reasons I highlight reddit in particular is because its users overwhelmingly young (nearly 50% of reddit’s users are ages of 18-24, 35% are 25-34) and male (78%). But it certainly isn’t the only place on the Internet where these types of relationships are forming among guys. From YouTube, to Facebook groups, to various forums around the Net, young men are connecting with each other, older generations, and gurus to ask questions and seek guidance on things they may have a tough time talking about offline.
The interactions and responses aren’t necessarily perfect, but neither are face-to-face interactions, and nor need they be. What is important is the sense of connectedness and guidance being providing to and from these men and their mentors. Because, beyond advice, what these types of relationships can provide to young men is a sense that they aren’t alone in their experiences, that someone else has gone through it, and lived to laugh about it. And while “real life” mentor relationships are indispensable, it is heartening to see that some guys have found new ways to connect with and support one another.
Men are Finding New Ways to Mentor Younger Generations with the Help of Social Media
Imagine you’re a twenty-something year-old guy about to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done a number of times before, only this time you can’t seem to get an erection. You make some excuse, you're just too tired or drunk or whatever, and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, but secretly: you’re mortified. Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice?
Imagine you’re a twenty-something year-old guy about to have sex with his long-term girlfriend, something the two of you have done a number of times before, only this time you can’t seem to get an erection. You make some excuse, you're just too tired or drunk or whatever, and she’s kind-enough about the whole ordeal, but secretly: you’re mortified. Assuming you missed my article on psychologically induced erectile dysfunction, where might you turn for advice?
Some of us might talk to our dads – but quite a few of us may not have relationships with our fathers that would humor such a frank conversation; others might not have a father in our lives at all. We might also just be too embarrassed. You could ask your buddies – but they might just tease you. Besides they’re roughly the same age as you, what more would they know anyway? A coach or teacher, even a male one, might call the conversation too personal or too inappropriate to have with them.
Many guys are at a loss these days when it comes to asking for advice and seeking guidance, not just about sex but regarding many tough issues about what it means to be and become a man today. Whether trying to figure out how to come-out to your parents, ask a girl on a date, fend off a bully, tie a necktie, get in shape, or ace an interview, at some point in a man’s life he will, or will want to at least, seek direction from those who've seen and done it before.
Indeed, a primary contributor to the many of the problems young men face today is a lack of direction during their coming-of-age years and into adulthood. For a variety of social and cultural factors, many would-be mentors are less willing or less able to form the requisite relationships with younger men and boys to offer such direction. The reasons behind this cultural shift are many, such as: changes in family demographics that often leave fathers out of touch with their children; the high rate at which men are imprisoned in this country, especially within some marginalized communities; and misplaced social suspicion about men’s interactions with young people that make men wary of initiating or maintaining mentor relationships.
Given these obstacles, many young men are left to haphazardly stumble from boyhood into manhood with only their adolescent instincts to guide them. The results of this social experiment have been troubling to say the least. In the past twenty years, the proportion of men attending college has fallen significantly. Meanwhile, male rates for substance use, suicide, and violence (including school shooting and mass killings) continue to rise to alarming levels.
However, some young men are finding new ways to reach out to each other and older generations that get around some of the aforementioned barriers. For instance, among the thousands of “subreddits” on the popular social media website reddit.com are a few that bring users in contact with one another in supportive and encouraging ways. Some of my personal favorites include r/Daddit, r/AskDad, r/AskMen, r/AskMenOver30, r/AskWomen, r/fitness, r/malefashionadvice, r/sex, r/AskGayBros, r/explainlikeimfive, r/OneY, r/malegrooming, r/Finance.
These communities weren't necessarily designed with mentorship in mind, but browsing through the threads of these subreddits one will find countless instances of (primarily) young men airing their questions, worries, insecurities, and requesting advice about various dilemmas in their lives. Absent the scrutiny that can accompany "real world" interactions, these guys have found a place where they can speak openly about concerns that are embarrassing, taboo, or "inappropriate" elsewhere. The vast majority of these posts are met with genuine support and the best advice the internet can muster – with a bit of wit and irony folded in for flavor of course (this is still the Internet after all).
One of the reason’s I’ve noted Reddit in particular is because its users are overwhelmingly young and male. Though, it certainly isn’t the only place on the Internet where these kinds of mentorships are forming. From Facebook groups, to gamer forums, to YouTube, young men are connecting with each other, older generations, and “gurus” to ask questions and seek guidance on things they may have had a hard time talking about offline.
Of course, the interactions and responses aren’t always perfect, but neither are the face-to-face ones -- nor must they be. From this psychologist’s perspective, what is most important are the personal connections being made. Because, beyond advice, what mentors offer young men is the sense that they aren’t alone in their experiences, that someone else has gone through it and has lived to laugh about it. And while “real life” mentorships are indispensable, it is heartening to see that a number of guys are finding innovative ways to connect with and support one another.
Male Bonding or Bullying? (video)
A satirical video from The Onion hits on some interesting points about the ways some men connect and bond with one another.
An Empirical Look at the Modern Man (O.C.)
What does the modern masculinity look like? This is the question that the leaders of the Australian company M&C Saatchi have dared to answer in their recent publishing of The Modern [Aussie] Man.
Photograph: Rob Wilkinson/Alamy
What does the modern masculinity look like? This is the question that the leaders of the Australian company M&C Saatchi have dared to answer in their recent publishing of The Modern [Aussie] Man.
Their stated purpose:
“The Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper was released as part of the Men’s Strategic Roundtable held at Parliament House, Canberra on International Men’s Day, 19th November 2013. By identifying the perceptions of a significant sample and cross-section of Australian men, the Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper has done what few have dared; given men back a personal gender voice to self-profile and share perceptions with exceptionally raw and self-effacing honesty.
ALL MEN ARE NOT BASTARDS OR IGNORANT, yet men believe this has become the default societal assumption. The Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper aimed to draw a line under historic truths and modern day stereotyping; painting a new portrait of our nation’s males and their perceptions of masculinity, men’s roles and feminism.”
A team of researchers to interviewed a broad representative sample of 140 men between the ages of 27 and 64 about their hopes, fears, aspirations, shortcomings, and experiences as men. Seventy of the interviewed men were “influential leaders, marketers and role models from business, sport, military, popular culture, hospitality, philanthropy, academia, men’s health & wellbeing, education, media, advertising & fashion.” The other seventy were “everyday men” from white-collar, blue-collar, and service industries. While I have yet to get my hands on the full paper, the researchers have provided an online summary of “the strongest patterns evident in the majority of men interviewed.”
Men on Relationships:
- Men are women’s biggest fans – respectful of women and their rights to equal opportunities, considerations and benefits.
- Partnered, (straight) men feel they have to negotiate for permission from their partners for alone time or time with their friends.
- Some men experience a lot of anxiety when buying presents for women. They can become excessively worried about ‘getting it wrong’ and the potential for subsequent consequences.
- Men feel disappointed by partners who lose their sense of humor as they get older.
- Men are unassuming romantics; obsessed with evoking expressions of surprise and delight in their partners.
Men on Man Stuff:
- Most men do not feel “emasculated.”
- To be the best versions of themselves, men need man time. Depending on the particular man, this may mean time alone or time with male friends. The researchers state that men use this time to re-balance and de-stress in the absence of expectations, judgments, or stress.
- “Non-sporty men” will fake an interest in sports to avoid alienation by other men
- Among men, humorous mockery is used as a “levelling reaction” to inauthenticity and grandstanding, but not genuine success.
- Men are the yet-to-be discovered consumer. They love buying, but hate the word “shopping.”
- The term ‘metrosexual’ is seen as a euphemism for vain by several men.
- Play is the defining way that men relate to and bond with children – especially boys.
- Men would like to laugh more at home but are afraid of seeming immature, especially to the women in their lives. The writers point to this as another reason men should engage in “man time” with one another.
- Men are conditioned to being told they’re wrong. One result of this is that the majority of interviewed men had developed “gender issue laryngitis;” That is, for seemingly pragmatic purposes they no longer felt welcome to share their opinions and concerns related to gender.
The researchers say that their research dispels the myth of a modern man who is ignorant and a detached. They write:
“The reality is encouraging. The majority of Australian men have evolved. Based on the findings in this research, we believe that that the majority of Australian men have strength of character, emotional intuition and traditional values grounded in respect, equality, humour, friendship, elementariness and most importantly family. They are not emasculated. Essentially, Australian men are an exemplary archetype of strong and authentic masculinity in the 21st century.”
I should remind the reader that I haven’t seen a copy of the actual manuscript at this point, which will likely detail their complete findings. Also keep in mind that all of the men interviewed for this research were Australian. That said, I am interested in what you think:
How do these finding relate to men/masculinity in the U.S. and other countries?
What differences (if any) would you expect to see if this research was conducted on men outside of Australia?
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men Of Platonic Physical Intimacy
Article by Mark Greene @ goodmenproject.com
"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation."
"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge."
Sticking up for a Brother
Mohandas Gandhi saw an older brother sticking up for his little brother, and was so inspired, he had to write about it.
You thought I didn’t really notice. But I did. I wanted to high-five you.
Yesterday I had a pair of brothers in my store. One was maybe between 15-17. He was a wrestler at the local high school. Kind of tall, stocky and handsome. He had a younger brother, who was maybe about 10-12 years old. Thy were talking about finding a game for the younger one, and he was absolutely insisting it be one with a female charcter. I don’t know how many of y’all play games, but that isn’t exactly easy. Eventually, I helped the brothers pick a game called Mirror’s Edge. The youngest was pretty excited about the game, and then he specifically asked me.. “Do you have any girl color controllers?”
I directed him to the only colored controllers we have which includes pink and purple ones. He grabbed the purple one, and informed me purple was his FAVORITE.
The boys had been taking awhile, so their father eventually comes in. He see’s the game, and the controller, and starts in on the youngest about how he needs to pick something different. Something more manly. Something with guns and fighting, and certainly not a purple controller. He tries to convince him to get the new Zombie game “Dead Island.” and the little boy just stands their repeating “Dad, this is what I want, ok?” Eventually it turns into a full blown argument complete with Dad threatening to whoop his son if he doesn’t choose different items.
That’s when big brother stepped in. He said to his Dad “It’s my money, it’s my gift to him, if it’s what he wants I’m getting it for him, and if your gonna hit anyone for it, it’s going to be me.”
Dad just gives his oldest son a strong stern stare down, and then leaves the store. Little brother is crying quietly, I walk over and ruffle his hair (yes this happened all in front of me.) I say “I’m a girl, and I like the color blue, and I like shooting games. There’s nothing wrong with what you like. Even if it’s different that what people think you should.”
Big brother then leans down, kisses little brother on the head, and says “Don’t worry dude.”
They check out and leave, and all I can think is how awesome big brother is, how sweet little brother is, and how Dad ought to be ashamed for trying to make his son any other way.
This story was written on Mohandas Gandhi's tumblr, with the title: DEAR CUSTOMER WHO STUCK UP FOR HIS LITTLE BROTHER: