Questions from Reddit: "Am I Gay?"

Does having 2 gay experiences change my sexuality even though I am straight?   (21m) 

You are what you are man. Technically there is a difference between Sexual Orientation and Sexuality Identity.
That being that Sexual Orientation refers to your actual attractions, behaviors, emotional connections, etc. It's not really binary or tri-nary. Many people find the Kinsey scale useful, which ranges sexual orientation from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), with varying degrees in between. However, Kinsey himself noted that even this was limiting, and that he could have made a 0 - 100 or 0 - 1000 point scale, but 0 - 6 was just more convenient for people to use.

Similarly, Gay/Straight/Bi are just convenient monikers for people to identify themselves.

So - you are what you are, don't get caught up on labeling it, because there's no way that any label is going to 100% suit your specific, complex sexuality. Said labels are only as useful as they are convenient, do not feel obligated to fit so neatly.

Am I lying if I tell people I am straight?

Nah, everyone doesn't need to know about who you've seen in the bedroom.

For instance -- Imagine there's a guy who's a meat-eater/omnivore. One day, on a whim or because someone convinced him to , he decides to eat vegetarian for a weekend. He finds it: meh.

Now - is this guy lying if he tells people he's a meat eater/non-vegetarian because he had a couple encounters with that side of things? I would say no. If he felt comfortable or was particularly close with someone, he might share with them that he'd given vegetarianism a try a few times. He might even have a veggie meal or two in the future, but ultimately he understands where his true interests lie and how far he's willing to go with .. kale.

The most important thing is that you don't give yourself a hard time about any of it.  You are who you are. 

The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

Youtuber Comes Out to His Mom in an Emotional Video

Wow.. This one will hit you right in the feels.  

Youtuber Ryan records himself coming out to his mother in a candid and emotional moment.  It takes him a while to find his words.  But once he does, his mother's response is priceless. 

Ryan's reason for recording and sharing this moment with the web:

I made this video because when I was contemplating coming out for the last year, I found other similar videos of people coming out to family members on a hidden camera really helpful. I noticed that there weren't very many of these videos, so I wanted to create my own to help other people in the same way that I found these videos helpful. If you've created a similar one, I guarantee you I've seen it, so thank you so much for helping me. My mom reacted in an amazing way, and I really hope that all of you have a similar experience.

Let me know what you think. 

Why You're Less Likely to Meet a Gay Man in the South -- Or Are You? (O.C.)

It seems that intolerance of homosexuality does contribute to how men express their same-sex interests. This past weekend, The New York Times published an article titled: “How Many American Men Are Gay?” which took a look at the percentage of self-identified gay men in the United States. The writer, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, collected reports of homosexual interests among men from a variety of sources, including the U.S. Census, Gallup, Facebook, Match.com, Craigslist, Google searches, and Rocket Tube (an adult website) searches. What he found tells an interesting story about the differences of how men across the country report and express their same-sex interests.

For starters, according to data from Facebook, Gallup, and the U.S. Census, states that are the least tolerant and most stigmatizing of homosexuality (e.g. Mississippi) seemingly have less gay men among their populations than states that are the most accepting of homosexuality (e.g. California). For example, according to Facebook data, men in California are 3 times are likely to be interested in the same-sex (3% of the male population) than men in Mississippi (1% of the male population). You can see a parallel trend in the (below) graphic from OkCupid, which asked straight-identified users how open they’d be to a same-sex sexual encounter. The map reveals that individuals in states more tolerant of homosexuality expressed more openness to a same-sex encounter than individuals from less tolerant states. Data from the Census, Gallup, and Match.com reveal similar disparities in the willingness of individuals to disclose a gay sexuality identity and/or same-sex interests in high vs. low tolerant states.

Why might these differences exist? Is it possible that gay and bisexual men simply choose to congregate in more tolerant states?  To address these questions, Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at the percentage of high school-aged males that expressed an interest in men on their Facebook profiles, since young men of this age can’t move across the country at will. The results from this analysis also showed that young men in more tolerant states were significantly more likely to express same-sex interests than young men in less tolerant states. Since there is no evidence to suggest that a man in (say) California is more likely to be born gay or bisexual than a man in (say) Mississippi, the most likely explanation is that men in less tolerant states are more hesitant to reveal their same-sex interests than men in more tolerant states.

How do we test this theory?  Well, porn, of course! Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at the search trends of the adult website RocketTube.com. What he found was that across all states about 5% of total searches were for gay/male pornography. This suggests a relatively equal percentage of male gay/same-sex interest across the country, regardless of state.

Continuing his research using behavioral measures of sexual interest, Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at “casual encounter” posts on Craigslist.  What he found was that the percentage of ads from men seeking casual encounters with other men tends to be much higher in less tolerant states. Among the states with the highest percentages of male-seeking-male ads were Alabama, Kentucky, and Louisiana.

What does all of this mean? It seems that living in a place that is less tolerant and more stigmatizing of homosexuality makes it more likely that a gay or bisexual man will hide his sexual identity. In those states more accepting of homosexuality, we see that men of all ages are more likely to share their sexual identity in public ways, like on their Facebook, Match.com profile, or even to the Census Bureau.  Whereas men in less tolerant areas are less likely to disclose their sexual identity. Yet, apparently gay and bisexual men in less tolerant states are not altogether denying their same-sex interests—in fact, men in these states may be equally (and in some cases more) likely to fulfill their same-sex interest in more private (secret?) ways, through gay/male pornography and online hook-ups.

What we don’t know, is how much psychological strain is placed on these men because of their felt need to keep their same-sex interests private.  Some of these men may-well be completely happy keeping their sexuality to themselves.  Others, however, may be keeping their interests in men secret to avoid scrutiny from others—or perhaps even themselves.  In some cases these men may feel pressure to date or marry women to further conceal their sexual orientation. In his article, Stephens-Davidowitz notes that the Google search query: “Is my husband gay?” is searched significantly more frequently in states less tolerant of homosexuality.

This research highlights how this type of intolerance can restrict men from being open about their sexual identities. For some, this may mean inwardly or outwardly limiting a bisexual, curious, or fluid sexual-identity. For others, it may mean hiding or denying the entirety of a gay sexual-identity.

Let me know what you think?

Sex as Exercise? (Article)

This article appeared in the Dec. 8, 2013 issue of The New York Times Magazine

As far back as the 1950s, couples have been asked to strap on monitors, blood-pressure cuffs, oxygen masks and other paraphernalia and copulate, to scientifically quantify the impacts of sex. The focus is often on whether sex can kill you by precipitating a heart attack. Happily, these studies generally show that heart rates rise during intercourse, but tolerably. In a 2008 study, middle-aged subjects’ heart rates jumped at the point of orgasm by only 21 beats per minute in men and 19 in women, about the same response as if they’d just done a few jumping jacks. The risk for sex-related cardiac arrest is, in fact, vanishingly small, statistics show, though it may be greater when the act is extramarital.

The issue of sex as exercise, however, has remained largely unexplored. “There are these myths,” including that sex burns at least 100 calories per session, said Antony D. Karelis, a professor of exercise science at the University of Quebec at Montreal who undertook a study, published in PLOS One in October, to look at how much energy is actually exerted during sex. “But nobody had tested” those assumptions.

To do so, Karelis and his colleagues recruited 21 young heterosexual committed couples from the local area and had them jog on treadmills for 30 minutes, while researchers monitored their energy expenditure and other metrics, in order to provide a comparison for the physical demands of sex. The scientists next gave their volunteers unobtrusive armband activity monitors that gauge exertion in terms of calories and METs, or metabolic equivalent of task, a physiological measure comparing an activity to sitting perfectly still, which is a 1-MET task. Then the scientists sent the couples home, instructing them to complete at least one sex act a week for a month while wearing the armbands, and to fill out questionnaires about how each session made them feel, physically and psychologically, especially compared with running on the treadmill.

When the researchers analyzed all of the resulting data, it was clear, Karelis said, that sex qualified as “moderate exercise,” a 6-MET activity for men and 5.6-MET activity for women. That’s the equivalent, according to various estimates, of playing doubles tennis or walking uphill. The jogging, by comparison, was more strenuous, an 8.5-MET activity for the men in the study and 8.4 for women. (Though some men, according to their activity monitors, used more energy for brief periods during sex than they did jogging.) The sex also burned four calories per minute for men and three per minute for women, during sessions that ranged from 10 to 57 minutes, including foreplay. (The average was 25 minutes.) Men burned about 9 calories per minute jogging and women about 7.

Over all, the data reveal that “sex can be considered, at times, a significant exercise,” Karelis said, worth encouraging in people who otherwise balk at working out. Ninety-eight percent of Karelis’s volunteers reported that sex felt more fun than jogging. The other 2 percent, I suspect, will be back in the dating market soon.

Overcoming Masturbation Procrastination (or Procrasturbation)

(Excerpt) 

“Five orgasms a day,” I said, barely glancing up from my knitting. “Minimum.”

Her eyes grew large.  ”How do you manage that?” she asked.

“Two orgasms upon waking, two before sleep, and at least another one sometime during the day. It keeps me happy. I’m in a much better mood when I cum regularly.”

She sounded confused. “But you don’t live with anyone; how do you have sex before and after sleep to get your orgasm quota?”

I looked up, surprised at the question. “The five orgasm minimum is self-generated. When I have time with a lover, often that number goes up. I reach my orgasm quota by myself, no problem.”

... See the full article here (link). 

Help! My Penis has Fallen & I Can't Get It Up (O.C.)

Every now and then, a relatively young man comes into my therapy office concerned that he’s lost the ability to get an erection.  The events leading up to his visit to see me, might have gone something like this:

It’s Friday night and Mike’s been swamped at work all week.  He decided to cut-out at 5:00p, rather than staying late to get a head-start on next week like he normally does.  Mike goes out and after a few drinks he chats up a hottie at the local bar.  After some conversation he’s invited back to the hottie’s place for what he’s certain will turn into some consensual adult-on-adult fun.  Mike’s pretty excited – it’s been a while since he’s had any action, and it’s been even longer since he picked up a hottie at a bar.  

After a few more drinks on the couch, one thing leads to another and the two start messing around.  And then, about 10 minutes in, Mike goes limp.  The hottie notices and asks if everything is okay.  Mike says he’s fine and that he just needs a minute and he’ll be back to action.  Mike takes matters into his own hands for a few strokes – trying to focus on the hottie in front of him waiting for him to come to attention.  He gets a little movement from the little guy, but he’s still limp.  Now Mike’s getting a worried.  This hasn’t happened to him before.  He remembers he hasn’t had sex in a while and wonders if he’s become impotent from underuse.  Embarrassed and convinced that something is seriously wrong with him or his equipment, he tells the hottie that he’s had too much to drink, gets dressed quickly, and darts out the door.

♦◊♦

Men who’ve experienced a situation similar to Mike’s usually show up to my office on one of two occasions: 1) Immediately following their first failed attempt at achieving an erection or 2) weeks, months, or even years after several failed attempts. The first group of men, so astounded by their inability to bone-up after years of never having a problem, show up afraid that sex, as they’ve known it, is over. The second group of men have secretly been harboring the same amount of terror, but have only recently built up the courage to tell anyone about it. Both types of guys typically show up feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and sometimes depressed.

The first question I tend to ask guys with this issue is “Are you able to get and maintain an erection in other situations, such as masturbating or while asleep?”  In most cases, if a man can achieve and maintain an erection while masturbating and/or notices that his penis is erect in the mornings (i.e. “morning wood”), then the problem is likely a psychological one and not a physiological one. If my client reports that he cannot achieve erection while masturbating or while asleep/waking, his ED may have a physiological cause, and he should speak to a physician about treatment.

However, most of the men who’ve sought my help around this issue are young to middle-aged men, who describes no significant medical history that would suggests a physiological issue – such as poor prostate health or long-term drug abuse. The root cause of ED in these men is most typically related to anxiety. Anxiety is a boner’s arch-nemesis.

Anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, which makes it incredibly difficult for any man (young or old) to achieve an erection. The sympathetic nervous system is the part of the nervous system that activates when we experience feelings of “fight or flight.” It most cases it serves an important role in preparing our bodies to take action, such as fleeing a dangerous situation or competing in a sport. The sympathetic nervous system accelerates our heart rate, allows our body to take in more oxygen, and increases blood-flow to our limbs. As a result, other bodily functions are reduced – such as digestion and sexual arousal, which are controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system. For most men, it’s unlikely that they can be fully sexually aroused while simultaneously engaging in strenuous physical activity. Similarly, most men cannot achieve full sexual arousal while experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety.

Some men are quite aware of their anxiety in sexual situations.  In cases like Mike’s, his first experience of ED might have been due to stress related to work or his anxiety about hooking-up for the first time in a long time.  However, in a future sexual situation, Mike may recall his previous inability to get-it-up, causing him to worry about his ability to get-it-up this time, thereby increasing his anxiety, and making it more difficult for him to achieve an erection.  This cycle may repeat itself for days, months, or even years before he seeks appropriate treatment. Men who put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform sexually are at increased risk of this vicious cycle.

For some men, overcoming this cycle is as simple as realizing its cause. Simply by knowing that there isn’t a physiological problem allows them to relax and feel less anxious in future sexual situations. Other men will need to be more patient with themselves in order to reduce their anxiety.

♦◊♦

Here are some tips for those struggling with anxiety induced erectile difficulties:

1. Know that men of all ages can experience erectile difficulties at any point in their lives.

• Just because you couldn’t get/maintain an erection on a few isolated occasions, doesn’t mean it will necessarily continue to be a problem.
• If your difficulty achieving/maintaining erections is limited to certain (but not all) situations, then it is likely caused by a psychological issue, not a physiological one.

2. Anxiety will kill your boner.

• Although things like depression can also make sexual arousal difficult, sexual difficulties from depression are more likely experienced as a loss of libido – a.k.a., not being “in the mood” – rather than as erectile difficulties.
• If you are feeling nervous during a sexual encounter or have more generalized anxiety it will be more difficult for you to achieve an erection.  (I should note: for some men anxiety results in premature ejaculation — but that’s a topic for another article.)

3. Find ways to reduce your anxiety in the moment and in general. 

• If you experience anxiety specifically during sexual encounters, find ways to make the experience more comfortable for yourself.  Such as, engaging in sexual activity in a familiar environment or with a trusted partner.
• If your anxiety is more general or related to other issues in your life, seek psychological treatment, or find a trusted friend or family member to talk out your anxieties.

4. Relax. 

• Try to take yourself and your penis less seriously in these moments.
• Guilt, shame, and embarrassment will only increase your anxiety, making it more difficult for you to become erect.
• If you’re feeling anxious and having erectile difficulties while with a partner, redirect your attention to your partner.  Find ways to engage sexually with them that don’t require you to be erect – e.g. stimulating them orally, kissing, or massage.  By doing so, you can allow yourself to relax and potentially regain your erection.  Focusing on them in this way also reduces the likelihood that they’ll blame themselves for your “loss of enthusiasm.”

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.