The Disavowing of Masculinity
There has been a trend within online and academic media to reject or diminish the existence of traditionally masculine characteristics among modern men. I've come across several articles and posts that feature stories by or about men who attest to being deeply in-touch with their “feminine sides,” while ignoring their relationships with their “masculine sides.”
There has been a trend within online and academic media to reject or diminish the existence of traditionally masculine characteristics among modern men. I've come across several articles and posts that feature stories by or about men who attest to being deeply in-touch with their “feminine sides,” while ignoring their relationships with their “masculine sides.” Take for example an article featured on the GoodMenProject several weeks ago titled, “The Manliest Thing About Me…” The author, Reesee Zigga Zagga, stopped a random assortment of men at a conference and asked them to complete the phrase: “The manliest thing about me is...” As I was looking through the collection of responses, I was surprised to see that most of them described attributes (stereo)typically associated with femininity, such as: “my heart,” “my ability to show emotion,” “I cry,” “my vulnerability.” While I don’t doubt that these men were describing real aspects of their characters, I was left wondering: Are these really the manliest things about these men?
Now, don’t misunderstand me. I think it is fantastic that many men today are able and willing to revel in the softer aspects of their identities. Just a few decades ago, a man’s admission of sympathy or compassion was frequently met with social disapproval and ridicule. Today, many men are quite at-ease sharing parts of themselves that may have been disparaged in their fathers’ time – and that is awesome. However, alongside this trend of men embracing their softer side seems to be an omission, dismissal, and (at times even) demonizing of traditionally masculine/male traits, e.g. protectiveness, competitiveness, aggressiveness, assertiveness, sexual appetite, deference to truth over feelings, passion, confidence, independence, and so on.
Of course, these aren’t characteristics necessarily held by all men, nor are they necessarily absent in women. Indeed, I am a firm believer that gender expression is relatively fluid with regard to both sexes – some women are more masculine than some men and vice-versa, and nearly all individuals experience changes in their gender expression during their life or even from one situation to another. Nevertheless, it is also true that the traits listed above (ones typically associated with masculinity) are found in males far more commonly than they are found in females – a distinction which persists across culture, history, and species. Furthermore, most masculine characteristics are directly related to the amount of available testosterone present within any individual. On average, men’s testosterone levels are 10 to 45 times higher than women’s.
This is all to say, no matter how you slice it, men, as a group, embody masculine characteristics more frequently and to a greater degree than do women. While it is arguable that some degree of these traits may be socialized into men at a young age, they are, nonetheless, imbedded aspects of men’s present-day manhood – resistant to change whether they were natured or nurtured into existence. And why should we want to change them?
Whether we are talking about masculinity or femininity, there is nothing inherently good or bad/better or worse about either expression of gender. This notion is as true today as it was fifty years ago.
My concern isn’t just about the re-narrowing of acceptable masculinity within society. What is at stake is men’s ultimate acceptance, understanding, and governance over their own natures as well as an individual and social recognition of what manhood actually entails. When a man can’t admit that the “manliest thing” about him is his insatiable sex drive or a constant yearning to be better than the next guy, then he is left to feel ashamed of these parts of himself or is compelled to deny their existence altogether – only to have them abruptly emerge during times of high stress and/or vulnerability.
Keep in mind that acceptance is not surrender. That is, accepting that you are a highly competitive guy doesn’t mean you must give-in to every felt need to outdo the people around you. On the contrary, by accepting that competitiveness is strong aspect of your character, you can learn when and how to make use of your competitiveness and when and how to reign it in and focus on more important things. By knowing and accepting these aspects of ourselves as men, we can also gain more insight into our lives and our relationships with others, which can be negatively affected by unexamined aspects of our character.
But a man, who is unwilling to admit that he is an aggressive, sexual, protective, or competitive guy (at least to himself), sacrifices his capacity to oversee and make use of those parts of himself that he is too afraid or ashamed of to acknowledge.
Male Bonding or Bullying? (video)
A satirical video from The Onion hits on some interesting points about the ways some men connect and bond with one another.
Why You're Less Likely to Meet a Gay Man in the South -- Or Are You? (O.C.)
It seems that intolerance of homosexuality does contribute to how men express their same-sex interests. This past weekend, The New York Times published an article titled: “How Many American Men Are Gay?” that looked at the percentage of self-identified gay men in the United States. What was found tells an interesting story about the differences in how men across the country report and express their same-sex interests.
It seems that intolerance of homosexuality does contribute to how men express their same-sex interests. This past weekend, The New York Times published an article titled: “How Many American Men Are Gay?” which took a look at the percentage of self-identified gay men in the United States. The writer, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, collected reports of homosexual interests among men from a variety of sources, including the U.S. Census, Gallup, Facebook, Match.com, Craigslist, Google searches, and Rocket Tube (an adult website) searches. What he found tells an interesting story about the differences of how men across the country report and express their same-sex interests.
For starters, according to data from Facebook, Gallup, and the U.S. Census, states that are the least tolerant and most stigmatizing of homosexuality (e.g. Mississippi) seemingly have less gay men among their populations than states that are the most accepting of homosexuality (e.g. California). For example, according to Facebook data, men in California are 3 times are likely to be interested in the same-sex (3% of the male population) than men in Mississippi (1% of the male population). You can see a parallel trend in the (below) graphic from OkCupid, which asked straight-identified users how open they’d be to a same-sex sexual encounter. The map reveals that individuals in states more tolerant of homosexuality expressed more openness to a same-sex encounter than individuals from less tolerant states. Data from the Census, Gallup, and Match.com reveal similar disparities in the willingness of individuals to disclose a gay sexuality identity and/or same-sex interests in high vs. low tolerant states.
Why might these differences exist? Is it possible that gay and bisexual men simply choose to congregate in more tolerant states? To address these questions, Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at the percentage of high school-aged males that expressed an interest in men on their Facebook profiles, since young men of this age can’t move across the country at will. The results from this analysis also showed that young men in more tolerant states were significantly more likely to express same-sex interests than young men in less tolerant states. Since there is no evidence to suggest that a man in (say) California is more likely to be born gay or bisexual than a man in (say) Mississippi, the most likely explanation is that men in less tolerant states are more hesitant to reveal their same-sex interests than men in more tolerant states.
How do we test this theory? Well, porn, of course! Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at the search trends of the adult website RocketTube.com. What he found was that across all states about 5% of total searches were for gay/male pornography. This suggests a relatively equal percentage of male gay/same-sex interest across the country, regardless of state.
Continuing his research using behavioral measures of sexual interest, Stephens-Davidowitz took a look at “casual encounter” posts on Craigslist. What he found was that the percentage of ads from men seeking casual encounters with other men tends to be much higher in less tolerant states. Among the states with the highest percentages of male-seeking-male ads were Alabama, Kentucky, and Louisiana.
What does all of this mean? It seems that living in a place that is less tolerant and more stigmatizing of homosexuality makes it more likely that a gay or bisexual man will hide his sexual identity. In those states more accepting of homosexuality, we see that men of all ages are more likely to share their sexual identity in public ways, like on their Facebook, Match.com profile, or even to the Census Bureau. Whereas men in less tolerant areas are less likely to disclose their sexual identity. Yet, apparently gay and bisexual men in less tolerant states are not altogether denying their same-sex interests—in fact, men in these states may be equally (and in some cases more) likely to fulfill their same-sex interest in more private (secret?) ways, through gay/male pornography and online hook-ups.
What we don’t know, is how much psychological strain is placed on these men because of their felt need to keep their same-sex interests private. Some of these men may-well be completely happy keeping their sexuality to themselves. Others, however, may be keeping their interests in men secret to avoid scrutiny from others—or perhaps even themselves. In some cases these men may feel pressure to date or marry women to further conceal their sexual orientation. In his article, Stephens-Davidowitz notes that the Google search query: “Is my husband gay?” is searched significantly more frequently in states less tolerant of homosexuality.
This research highlights how this type of intolerance can restrict men from being open about their sexual identities. For some, this may mean inwardly or outwardly limiting a bisexual, curious, or fluid sexual-identity. For others, it may mean hiding or denying the entirety of a gay sexual-identity.
Let me know what you think?
Anger is just anger.
Marvel Comics
Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.
- Jim Butcher
An Empirical Look at the Modern Man (O.C.)
What does the modern masculinity look like? This is the question that the leaders of the Australian company M&C Saatchi have dared to answer in their recent publishing of The Modern [Aussie] Man.
Photograph: Rob Wilkinson/Alamy
What does the modern masculinity look like? This is the question that the leaders of the Australian company M&C Saatchi have dared to answer in their recent publishing of The Modern [Aussie] Man.
Their stated purpose:
“The Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper was released as part of the Men’s Strategic Roundtable held at Parliament House, Canberra on International Men’s Day, 19th November 2013. By identifying the perceptions of a significant sample and cross-section of Australian men, the Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper has done what few have dared; given men back a personal gender voice to self-profile and share perceptions with exceptionally raw and self-effacing honesty.
ALL MEN ARE NOT BASTARDS OR IGNORANT, yet men believe this has become the default societal assumption. The Modern (Aussie) Man White Paper aimed to draw a line under historic truths and modern day stereotyping; painting a new portrait of our nation’s males and their perceptions of masculinity, men’s roles and feminism.”
A team of researchers to interviewed a broad representative sample of 140 men between the ages of 27 and 64 about their hopes, fears, aspirations, shortcomings, and experiences as men. Seventy of the interviewed men were “influential leaders, marketers and role models from business, sport, military, popular culture, hospitality, philanthropy, academia, men’s health & wellbeing, education, media, advertising & fashion.” The other seventy were “everyday men” from white-collar, blue-collar, and service industries. While I have yet to get my hands on the full paper, the researchers have provided an online summary of “the strongest patterns evident in the majority of men interviewed.”
Men on Relationships:
- Men are women’s biggest fans – respectful of women and their rights to equal opportunities, considerations and benefits.
- Partnered, (straight) men feel they have to negotiate for permission from their partners for alone time or time with their friends.
- Some men experience a lot of anxiety when buying presents for women. They can become excessively worried about ‘getting it wrong’ and the potential for subsequent consequences.
- Men feel disappointed by partners who lose their sense of humor as they get older.
- Men are unassuming romantics; obsessed with evoking expressions of surprise and delight in their partners.
Men on Man Stuff:
- Most men do not feel “emasculated.”
- To be the best versions of themselves, men need man time. Depending on the particular man, this may mean time alone or time with male friends. The researchers state that men use this time to re-balance and de-stress in the absence of expectations, judgments, or stress.
- “Non-sporty men” will fake an interest in sports to avoid alienation by other men
- Among men, humorous mockery is used as a “levelling reaction” to inauthenticity and grandstanding, but not genuine success.
- Men are the yet-to-be discovered consumer. They love buying, but hate the word “shopping.”
- The term ‘metrosexual’ is seen as a euphemism for vain by several men.
- Play is the defining way that men relate to and bond with children – especially boys.
- Men would like to laugh more at home but are afraid of seeming immature, especially to the women in their lives. The writers point to this as another reason men should engage in “man time” with one another.
- Men are conditioned to being told they’re wrong. One result of this is that the majority of interviewed men had developed “gender issue laryngitis;” That is, for seemingly pragmatic purposes they no longer felt welcome to share their opinions and concerns related to gender.
The researchers say that their research dispels the myth of a modern man who is ignorant and a detached. They write:
“The reality is encouraging. The majority of Australian men have evolved. Based on the findings in this research, we believe that that the majority of Australian men have strength of character, emotional intuition and traditional values grounded in respect, equality, humour, friendship, elementariness and most importantly family. They are not emasculated. Essentially, Australian men are an exemplary archetype of strong and authentic masculinity in the 21st century.”
I should remind the reader that I haven’t seen a copy of the actual manuscript at this point, which will likely detail their complete findings. Also keep in mind that all of the men interviewed for this research were Australian. That said, I am interested in what you think:
How do these finding relate to men/masculinity in the U.S. and other countries?
What differences (if any) would you expect to see if this research was conducted on men outside of Australia?
Help! My Penis has Fallen & I Can't Get It Up (O.C.)
The science and psychology of erectile dysfunction -- and what you can do about it.
Every now and then, a relatively young man comes into my therapy office concerned that he’s lost the ability to get an erection. The events leading up to his visit to see me, might have gone something like this:
It’s Friday night and Mike’s been swamped at work all week. He decided to cut-out at 5:00p, rather than staying late to get a head-start on next week like he normally does. Mike goes out and after a few drinks he chats up a hottie at the local bar. After some conversation he’s invited back to the hottie’s place for what he’s certain will turn into some consensual adult-on-adult fun. Mike’s pretty excited – it’s been a while since he’s had any action, and it’s been even longer since he picked up a hottie at a bar.
After a few more drinks on the couch, one thing leads to another and the two start messing around. And then, about 10 minutes in, Mike goes limp. The hottie notices and asks if everything is okay. Mike says he’s fine and that he just needs a minute and he’ll be back to action. Mike takes matters into his own hands for a few strokes – trying to focus on the hottie in front of him waiting for him to come to attention. He gets a little movement from the little guy, but he’s still limp. Now Mike’s getting a worried. This hasn’t happened to him before. He remembers he hasn’t had sex in a while and wonders if he’s become impotent from underuse. Embarrassed and convinced that something is seriously wrong with him or his equipment, he tells the hottie that he’s had too much to drink, gets dressed quickly, and darts out the door.
♦◊♦
Men who’ve experienced a situation similar to Mike’s usually show up to my office on one of two occasions: 1) Immediately following their first failed attempt at achieving an erection or 2) weeks, months, or even years after several failed attempts. The first group of men, so astounded by their inability to bone-up after years of never having a problem, show up afraid that sex, as they’ve known it, is over. The second group of men have secretly been harboring the same amount of terror, but have only recently built up the courage to tell anyone about it. Both types of guys typically show up feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and sometimes depressed.
The first question I tend to ask guys with this issue is “Are you able to get and maintain an erection in other situations, such as masturbating or while asleep?” In most cases, if a man can achieve and maintain an erection while masturbating and/or notices that his penis is erect in the mornings (i.e. “morning wood”), then the problem is likely a psychological one and not a physiological one. If my client reports that he cannot achieve erection while masturbating or while asleep/waking, his ED may have a physiological cause, and he should speak to a physician about treatment.
However, most of the men who’ve sought my help around this issue are young to middle-aged men, who describes no significant medical history that would suggests a physiological issue – such as poor prostate health or long-term drug abuse. The root cause of ED in these men is most typically related to anxiety. Anxiety is a boner’s arch-nemesis.
Anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, which makes it incredibly difficult for any man (young or old) to achieve an erection. The sympathetic nervous system is the part of the nervous system that activates when we experience feelings of “fight or flight.” It most cases it serves an important role in preparing our bodies to take action, such as fleeing a dangerous situation or competing in a sport. The sympathetic nervous system accelerates our heart rate, allows our body to take in more oxygen, and increases blood-flow to our limbs. As a result, other bodily functions are reduced – such as digestion and sexual arousal, which are controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system. For most men, it’s unlikely that they can be fully sexually aroused while simultaneously engaging in strenuous physical activity. Similarly, most men cannot achieve full sexual arousal while experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety.
Some men are quite aware of their anxiety in sexual situations. In cases like Mike’s, his first experience of ED might have been due to stress related to work or his anxiety about hooking-up for the first time in a long time. However, in a future sexual situation, Mike may recall his previous inability to get-it-up, causing him to worry about his ability to get-it-up this time, thereby increasing his anxiety, and making it more difficult for him to achieve an erection. This cycle may repeat itself for days, months, or even years before he seeks appropriate treatment. Men who put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform sexually are at increased risk of this vicious cycle.
For some men, overcoming this cycle is as simple as realizing its cause. Simply by knowing that there isn’t a physiological problem allows them to relax and feel less anxious in future sexual situations. Other men will need to be more patient with themselves in order to reduce their anxiety.
♦◊♦
Here are some tips for those struggling with anxiety induced erectile difficulties:
1. Know that men of all ages can experience erectile difficulties at any point in their lives.
- Just because you couldn’t get/maintain an erection on a few isolated occasions, doesn’t mean it will necessarily continue to be a problem.
- If your difficulty achieving/maintaining erections is limited to certain (but not all) situations, then it is likely caused by a psychological issue, not a physiological one.
2. Anxiety will kill your boner.
- Although things like depression can also make sexual arousal difficult, sexual difficulties from depression are more likely experienced as a loss of libido – a.k.a., not being “in the mood” – rather than as erectile difficulties.
- If you are feeling nervous during a sexual encounter or have more generalized anxiety it will be more difficult for you to achieve an erection. (I should note: for some men anxiety results in premature ejaculation — but that’s a topic for another article.)
3. Find ways to reduce your anxiety in the moment and in general.
- If you experience anxiety specifically during sexual encounters, find ways to make the experience more comfortable for yourself. Such as, engaging in sexual activity in a familiar environment or with a trusted partner.
- If your anxiety is more general or related to other issues in your life, seek psychological treatment, or find a trusted friend or family member to talk out your anxieties.
4. Relax.
- Try to take yourself and your penis less seriously in these moments.
- Guilt, shame, and embarrassment will only increase your anxiety, making it more difficult for you to become erect.
- If you’re feeling anxious and having erectile difficulties while with a partner, redirect your attention to your partner. Find ways to engage sexually with them that don’t require you to be erect – e.g. stimulating them orally, kissing, or massage. By doing so, you can allow yourself to relax and potentially regain your erection. Focusing on them in this way also reduces the likelihood that they’ll blame themselves for your “loss of enthusiasm.”
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men Of Platonic Physical Intimacy
Article by Mark Greene @ goodmenproject.com
"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation."
"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge."