Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men Of Platonic Physical Intimacy

"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the  long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge."

Read the full article by Mark Greene @ goodmenproject.com 

Can Straight Men be Attracted to Men? (O.C.)

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I keep coming across content around the web concerning the seemingly "abnormal" same-sex interests and behaviors among straight men.  These discussions frequently involve self-identified straight men who have found themselves sexually or romantically interested (or curious about) other men.  On occasion, these discussions involve men who’ve had sexual or romantic experiences (or even relationships) with other men, while continuing to identify themselves as straight/heterosexual.  These men often begin to question their heterosexuality – either because of their own confusion or because others begin to question the straight identity of these men 

Take, for instance, this post on the subreddit r/sex, where a self-identified straight man describes his worry that others will view him negatively because of his openness to gay sexual experiences.  He writes:

 I'm self-identified as a straight man…. I, however, have this thing I feel is an issue. I can get turned on by both straight and gay porn…. And, here's where it gets complicated. I've acted on this a few times…. I only feel it's an issue because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it and need some guidance or maybe validation….

So, please, be honest. Have you ever fantasized about this? Have you played around with another dude? And, biggest question of all... did you tell your future gf/wife about it? (I mean, I could see them not taking it well, because of the stigma.) Or would you just hush up about it, and continue the tradition of not talking about it?

This scenario doesn’t seem to be all that uncommon.  In fact, recently The Huffington Post published an article by Dr. Joe Kort, titled: Why Some Straight Men Are Romantically or Sexually Attracted to Other Men, which discusses the prevalence of homosexual attraction among men who describe themselves as straight. Dr. Kort offers several explanations about why straight-identified men would express interest in other men.  His list of explanations includes: narcissism, sexual addiction, cuckolding, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex for money, shame seeking, having a high sex drive, “father hunger,” fetishism, “homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder, and “homosexual imprinting” from childhood sexual abuse.

While Dr. Kort is helping bring-to-light the fact that men who identify as straight may also have some sexual and/or romantic interest in other men, his explanations for these occurrences completely miss the mark.  Few of them are backed by research and many of them are not explanations so much as descriptions of specific behaviors (e.g. exhibitionism, cuckholding).  What’s worse, most of these “explanations” pathologize (i.e. regard as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy) the interests and behaviors of these men.

The idea that straight men who’ve had gay experiences or who express attraction to other men require an explanation for their behaviors/interests is based in archaic & uniformed notions of sexuality.  As a social scientist who specializes in male sexuality, I’ve spent a lot of time researching and talking to men about their sexual and romantic interests and behaviors.  If I’ve learned anything about men in this regard, it’s that the labels “straight, gay, and bisexual” are at best vague references to the true complexity of an individual’s sexual orientation. In fact what’s considered gay or straight behavior varies from culture to culture.  Some cultures see any intimacy between men as evidence of homosexuality.  Some cultures only consider being the receptive sexual partner (i.e., the “bottom”) as evidence of homosexuality.  And a few cultures even view homosexual activity as a natural part of masculine development.  These variations from culture to culture in what is considered “straight” behavior suggest that there is no hard-and-fast rule about what it means to be straight.

It’s been nearly three-quarters of a century since sex researcher Alfred Kinsey published his famous Kinsey Scale, and along with it an entire volume of research discounting the idea that sexual orientation is structured in a black & white (or gay & straight) way.  Kinsey described sexual orientation as ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual and suggested that very few men (or women) were truly “exclusively straight” or “exclusively gay.”  As a biologist, Kinsey understood that the occurrence of absolutes is a rare thing in nature.  He knew that even a guy who knows himself to be straight and completely attracted to women might, under certain circumstances, find himself sexually and/or romantically interested in another man.  This is known to happen when women are absent or unavailable – e.g. in prison.

I’m not saying that we should stop using labels to describe our sexual orientations.  Many people (gay, straight, bisexual, etc) gain a sense of connection and community by associating with others that identify similarly to themselves. But it is important to also keep in mind that these labels don’t reflect the true complexity of our sexualities.  And we should be no more surprised to find out that a self-identified “straight” man has had a gay experience than we are to discover that a man with self-described “brown” hair also has natural blond highlights. 

No one killed because of kindness: Making a case for compassion (O.C.)

http://www.newsmax.com/

Yesterday, a 20-year-old young man by the name of Michael Hill walked into an elementary school in Decatur, Georgia with an assault rifle, two bags filled with 500 rounds of ammunition, and a plan that would dump salt into an American wound that seems like it may never heal.  However, what ultimately occurred was an act of compassion that thwarted a potentially devastating loss of life.  The difference? The brave and compassionate actions of Antoinette Tuff, a clerk at the school – an everyday woman, who saw past Michael’s violent posturing to see a tortured young man.

When these types of all-too-common events occur.  We often hear about the bravery of those involved – the victims, the families, the police and other responders.  But this is the first time we’ve heard about a brave and compassionate response to such a threat.  When things go wrong in this society, our first response is often to find and punish those involved.  Perhaps it’s to make an example of them.  Or to satisfy a more basic impulse for revenge.  We are good at doling out punishment in this country; just take a quick look at our prison and incarceration data.

Since 1982, this country has endured over 60 mass shootings.  More than half of those shootings have occurred in the last 15 years, beginning with the 1999 shooting at Columbine High School.   Punishing an individual for an single crime may remove or discourage that individual public threat; however, when we are met with recurring tragic events, such as the recent rash of mass shooting, this points to a larger problem with the larger system, of which the individual only makes up one part. 

In the media furor following such shootings, we begin to ask ourselves how this happened.  This often sparks a superficial debate about guns or video games, with the usual political suspects taking their seemingly preordained sides – blindly pointing fingers and/or defending their standard political positions.  And instead of scrutinizing their own positions or wondering what else can be done, they stick to their political talking points, afraid of risking their own political/party favor in the service of their country.  And so we (the American People) are left to endure months of political theater about gun laws and video game ratings, while our lawmakers pass vapid and toothless legislation, and pat themselves on the back for a “job well-done.”

Meanwhile, young men continue to spiral out of control – killing our children in a process of what is clearly a last, desperate, and often fatal cry for help.  And instead of answering that cry, we point at these young men as the archetypes of villainy.  Don’t misunderstand, I do not condone their crimes.  But as a scientist and student of psychology, I know that in order to prevent such occurrences in the future, we have to look beyond the furor of blame and punishment.  We must try to understand what motivates these young men to perpetrate such heinous acts and address the impetus for their motivations.  All too often we are infatuated with how something happened, without stopping to consider “why?”   We content ourselves with the notion that these young men are “sick” or “mentally unstable.”  Yet, these apathetic dismissals stagnate our ability as a society to understand why certain young men act out in this way, and such dismissals ultimately prevent us from finding real solutions that work.

Yesterday, trapped in a terrible situation and fearing for her life, Antoinette Tuff reached out to a would-be killer (that is, a young man) with compassion & empathy. 

Here are a few of her words:

“He said he don’t care if he die[s] – he don’t have nothing to live for.”

“He said that he should just shoot [himself].”

“I can help you.”

“No it does matter.  I can let them know that you have not tried to harm me or do anything to me.”

“Well don’t feel bad, baby, my husband just left me after thirty-three years.”

“We not gonna hate you, baby.”

“He wants me to go on the intercom and tell everybody that he’s sorry.”

“It’s going to be alright, sweetie.  I just want you to know that I love you though and that I’m proud of you.”

“We all go through something in life.”

Consider, if just one compassionate conversation with a stranger could compel this young man to lay down his arms and reconsider his violent intent, what might have occurred if this young man had felt this level of compassion from someone in his life days, weeks, or years earlier.

Beyond their demographic profile, the young men who commit these types of violent crimes tend to have one thing in common: they are socially isolated.  The perpetrators of these crimes are often young men with few people in their lives that they feel truly care about them.  They feel as though they have nothing and no one to live for.  They are (at the very least) intensely Depressed.   And often have additional pervasive cognitive or emotional disabilities, e.g. Schizophrenia, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc.  However, it is important to understand that it is the combination of these disturbances that can lead to potential violence. 

Violent action is a typical symptom of male depression.  But the majority of otherwise stable men find ways to express their aggression without hurting others – playing sports, shouting at the television, (even) punching a wall.   But it is severe, longstanding Depression combined with additional serious mental deficits that compels a few young men to extreme acts of violence. 

What these young men really want and need, is what all of us, as human beings, want and need: to know that we are truly loved and valued by someone – anyone.  Yesterday, Antoinette Tuff showed a young man this type of genuine compassion, even while he was in the midst of pursuing terrible acts.  And having gotten the one, true thing that caused him to show up to that school in the first place – acknowledgement, love, and compassion from another person – Michael put down his gun and turned himself in. 

Men: Unwanted & Unneeded?

In his article, 

Men Must Be Needed Because We Can’t Be Wanted

Noah Brand, Editor-in-Chief of The Good Men Project, writes about the distress men experience when they feel both unwanted and unneeded by their society and those around them. 

Brotherly Love (Video)

You're Addicted to What? Challenging the Myth of Sex Addition

You're Addicted to What? | The Humanist:

The addiction model starts with “we admitted we were powerless.” The therapy model starts with “you’re responsible for your choices; I wonder why you keep doing what gives you what you say you don’t want?”

What this means for humanists [psychotherapists]

• The sex addiction movement exploits people’s fear of their own sexuality. As humanists we oppose anything that exploits fear.
• Recalling that sex addiction is a fairly new concept, we can observe the historical and cultural context from which the movement emerged—not a sexological context as much as a narrative about fear, danger, powerlessness, and victimization.
• The sex addiction model inevitably tells us that eroticism needs to be controlled, and that erotica and commercial sex are dangerous and problematic. This means that the sex addiction movement, with the help of the religious right, supports public policy focused on controlling sexuality. Unfortunately it has been very successful in that regard.
• The sex addiction model tells us that imagination has no healthy role to play in sexuality. This fundamental misunderstanding of human nature is very much our business.

The issue of what to call sexual behavior that is described as out of control is important not just for society in general, but for humanists in particular. To the extent that the sex addiction movement trivializes science as just one of many different perspectives, it affects us. To the extent that it tries to squeeze people into a small normative box of sexual behavior, it’s relevant to our cause. And to the extent that it pathologizes behavior that doesn’t hurt other people, it’s a prime example of what a humanist public policy would replace.

Dr. Marty Klein is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. He is on the editorial advisory board of the Humanist, and he recently spoke at the AHA annual conference.

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