Questions from Reddit: "Am I Gay?"

Does having 2 gay experiences change my sexuality even though I am straight?   (21m) 

You are what you are man. Technically there is a difference between Sexual Orientation and Sexuality Identity.
That being that Sexual Orientation refers to your actual attractions, behaviors, emotional connections, etc. It's not really binary or tri-nary. Many people find the Kinsey scale useful, which ranges sexual orientation from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), with varying degrees in between. However, Kinsey himself noted that even this was limiting, and that he could have made a 0 - 100 or 0 - 1000 point scale, but 0 - 6 was just more convenient for people to use.

Similarly, Gay/Straight/Bi are just convenient monikers for people to identify themselves.

So - you are what you are, don't get caught up on labeling it, because there's no way that any label is going to 100% suit your specific, complex sexuality. Said labels are only as useful as they are convenient, do not feel obligated to fit so neatly.

Am I lying if I tell people I am straight?

Nah, everyone doesn't need to know about who you've seen in the bedroom.

For instance -- Imagine there's a guy who's a meat-eater/omnivore. One day, on a whim or because someone convinced him to , he decides to eat vegetarian for a weekend. He finds it: meh.

Now - is this guy lying if he tells people he's a meat eater/non-vegetarian because he had a couple encounters with that side of things? I would say no. If he felt comfortable or was particularly close with someone, he might share with them that he'd given vegetarianism a try a few times. He might even have a veggie meal or two in the future, but ultimately he understands where his true interests lie and how far he's willing to go with .. kale.

The most important thing is that you don't give yourself a hard time about any of it.  You are who you are. 

The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

Can Straight Men be Attracted to Men? (O.C.)

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I keep coming across content around the web concerning the seemingly "abnormal" same-sex interests and behaviors among straight men.  These discussions frequently involve self-identified straight men who have found themselves sexually or romantically interested (or curious about) other men.  On occasion, these discussions involve men who’ve had sexual or romantic experiences (or even relationships) with other men, while continuing to identify themselves as straight/heterosexual.  These men often begin to question their heterosexuality – either because of their own confusion or because others begin to question the straight identity of these men 

Take, for instance, this post on the subreddit r/sex, where a self-identified straight man describes his worry that others will view him negatively because of his openness to gay sexual experiences.  He writes:

 I'm self-identified as a straight man…. I, however, have this thing I feel is an issue. I can get turned on by both straight and gay porn…. And, here's where it gets complicated. I've acted on this a few times…. I only feel it's an issue because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it and need some guidance or maybe validation….

So, please, be honest. Have you ever fantasized about this? Have you played around with another dude? And, biggest question of all... did you tell your future gf/wife about it? (I mean, I could see them not taking it well, because of the stigma.) Or would you just hush up about it, and continue the tradition of not talking about it?

This scenario doesn’t seem to be all that uncommon.  In fact, recently The Huffington Post published an article by Dr. Joe Kort, titled: Why Some Straight Men Are Romantically or Sexually Attracted to Other Men, which discusses the prevalence of homosexual attraction among men who describe themselves as straight. Dr. Kort offers several explanations about why straight-identified men would express interest in other men.  His list of explanations includes: narcissism, sexual addiction, cuckolding, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex for money, shame seeking, having a high sex drive, “father hunger,” fetishism, “homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder, and “homosexual imprinting” from childhood sexual abuse.

While Dr. Kort is helping bring-to-light the fact that men who identify as straight may also have some sexual and/or romantic interest in other men, his explanations for these occurrences completely miss the mark.  Few of them are backed by research and many of them are not explanations so much as descriptions of specific behaviors (e.g. exhibitionism, cuckholding).  What’s worse, most of these “explanations” pathologize (i.e. regard as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy) the interests and behaviors of these men.

The idea that straight men who’ve had gay experiences or who express attraction to other men require an explanation for their behaviors/interests is based in archaic & uniformed notions of sexuality.  As a social scientist who specializes in male sexuality, I’ve spent a lot of time researching and talking to men about their sexual and romantic interests and behaviors.  If I’ve learned anything about men in this regard, it’s that the labels “straight, gay, and bisexual” are at best vague references to the true complexity of an individual’s sexual orientation. In fact what’s considered gay or straight behavior varies from culture to culture.  Some cultures see any intimacy between men as evidence of homosexuality.  Some cultures only consider being the receptive sexual partner (i.e., the “bottom”) as evidence of homosexuality.  And a few cultures even view homosexual activity as a natural part of masculine development.  These variations from culture to culture in what is considered “straight” behavior suggest that there is no hard-and-fast rule about what it means to be straight.

It’s been nearly three-quarters of a century since sex researcher Alfred Kinsey published his famous Kinsey Scale, and along with it an entire volume of research discounting the idea that sexual orientation is structured in a black & white (or gay & straight) way.  Kinsey described sexual orientation as ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual and suggested that very few men (or women) were truly “exclusively straight” or “exclusively gay.”  As a biologist, Kinsey understood that the occurrence of absolutes is a rare thing in nature.  He knew that even a guy who knows himself to be straight and completely attracted to women might, under certain circumstances, find himself sexually and/or romantically interested in another man.  This is known to happen when women are absent or unavailable – e.g. in prison.

I’m not saying that we should stop using labels to describe our sexual orientations.  Many people (gay, straight, bisexual, etc) gain a sense of connection and community by associating with others that identify similarly to themselves. But it is important to also keep in mind that these labels don’t reflect the true complexity of our sexualities.  And we should be no more surprised to find out that a self-identified “straight” man has had a gay experience than we are to discover that a man with self-described “brown” hair also has natural blond highlights.