Even Drill Sergeants have a soft spot (video)

Found this taped on an old home movie. In an episode of Jenny Jones titled "Boot Camp My Pre-Teen," a young boy melts the heart of a drill instructor sent to teach the boy some respect and discipline.

The reaction of this Sergeant to this boy's surprising response is priceless and reminds us of the importance of fatherhood.  

Help! My Penis has Fallen & I Can't Get It Up (O.C.)

Every now and then, a relatively young man comes into my therapy office concerned that he’s lost the ability to get an erection.  The events leading up to his visit to see me, might have gone something like this:

It’s Friday night and Mike’s been swamped at work all week.  He decided to cut-out at 5:00p, rather than staying late to get a head-start on next week like he normally does.  Mike goes out and after a few drinks he chats up a hottie at the local bar.  After some conversation he’s invited back to the hottie’s place for what he’s certain will turn into some consensual adult-on-adult fun.  Mike’s pretty excited – it’s been a while since he’s had any action, and it’s been even longer since he picked up a hottie at a bar.  

After a few more drinks on the couch, one thing leads to another and the two start messing around.  And then, about 10 minutes in, Mike goes limp.  The hottie notices and asks if everything is okay.  Mike says he’s fine and that he just needs a minute and he’ll be back to action.  Mike takes matters into his own hands for a few strokes – trying to focus on the hottie in front of him waiting for him to come to attention.  He gets a little movement from the little guy, but he’s still limp.  Now Mike’s getting a worried.  This hasn’t happened to him before.  He remembers he hasn’t had sex in a while and wonders if he’s become impotent from underuse.  Embarrassed and convinced that something is seriously wrong with him or his equipment, he tells the hottie that he’s had too much to drink, gets dressed quickly, and darts out the door.

♦◊♦

Men who’ve experienced a situation similar to Mike’s usually show up to my office on one of two occasions: 1) Immediately following their first failed attempt at achieving an erection or 2) weeks, months, or even years after several failed attempts. The first group of men, so astounded by their inability to bone-up after years of never having a problem, show up afraid that sex, as they’ve known it, is over. The second group of men have secretly been harboring the same amount of terror, but have only recently built up the courage to tell anyone about it. Both types of guys typically show up feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and sometimes depressed.

The first question I tend to ask guys with this issue is “Are you able to get and maintain an erection in other situations, such as masturbating or while asleep?”  In most cases, if a man can achieve and maintain an erection while masturbating and/or notices that his penis is erect in the mornings (i.e. “morning wood”), then the problem is likely a psychological one and not a physiological one. If my client reports that he cannot achieve erection while masturbating or while asleep/waking, his ED may have a physiological cause, and he should speak to a physician about treatment.

However, most of the men who’ve sought my help around this issue are young to middle-aged men, who describes no significant medical history that would suggests a physiological issue – such as poor prostate health or long-term drug abuse. The root cause of ED in these men is most typically related to anxiety. Anxiety is a boner’s arch-nemesis.

Anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, which makes it incredibly difficult for any man (young or old) to achieve an erection. The sympathetic nervous system is the part of the nervous system that activates when we experience feelings of “fight or flight.” It most cases it serves an important role in preparing our bodies to take action, such as fleeing a dangerous situation or competing in a sport. The sympathetic nervous system accelerates our heart rate, allows our body to take in more oxygen, and increases blood-flow to our limbs. As a result, other bodily functions are reduced – such as digestion and sexual arousal, which are controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system. For most men, it’s unlikely that they can be fully sexually aroused while simultaneously engaging in strenuous physical activity. Similarly, most men cannot achieve full sexual arousal while experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety.

Some men are quite aware of their anxiety in sexual situations.  In cases like Mike’s, his first experience of ED might have been due to stress related to work or his anxiety about hooking-up for the first time in a long time.  However, in a future sexual situation, Mike may recall his previous inability to get-it-up, causing him to worry about his ability to get-it-up this time, thereby increasing his anxiety, and making it more difficult for him to achieve an erection.  This cycle may repeat itself for days, months, or even years before he seeks appropriate treatment. Men who put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform sexually are at increased risk of this vicious cycle.

For some men, overcoming this cycle is as simple as realizing its cause. Simply by knowing that there isn’t a physiological problem allows them to relax and feel less anxious in future sexual situations. Other men will need to be more patient with themselves in order to reduce their anxiety.

♦◊♦

Here are some tips for those struggling with anxiety induced erectile difficulties:

1. Know that men of all ages can experience erectile difficulties at any point in their lives.

• Just because you couldn’t get/maintain an erection on a few isolated occasions, doesn’t mean it will necessarily continue to be a problem.
• If your difficulty achieving/maintaining erections is limited to certain (but not all) situations, then it is likely caused by a psychological issue, not a physiological one.

2. Anxiety will kill your boner.

• Although things like depression can also make sexual arousal difficult, sexual difficulties from depression are more likely experienced as a loss of libido – a.k.a., not being “in the mood” – rather than as erectile difficulties.
• If you are feeling nervous during a sexual encounter or have more generalized anxiety it will be more difficult for you to achieve an erection.  (I should note: for some men anxiety results in premature ejaculation — but that’s a topic for another article.)

3. Find ways to reduce your anxiety in the moment and in general. 

• If you experience anxiety specifically during sexual encounters, find ways to make the experience more comfortable for yourself.  Such as, engaging in sexual activity in a familiar environment or with a trusted partner.
• If your anxiety is more general or related to other issues in your life, seek psychological treatment, or find a trusted friend or family member to talk out your anxieties.

4. Relax. 

• Try to take yourself and your penis less seriously in these moments.
• Guilt, shame, and embarrassment will only increase your anxiety, making it more difficult for you to become erect.
• If you’re feeling anxious and having erectile difficulties while with a partner, redirect your attention to your partner.  Find ways to engage sexually with them that don’t require you to be erect – e.g. stimulating them orally, kissing, or massage.  By doing so, you can allow yourself to relax and potentially regain your erection.  Focusing on them in this way also reduces the likelihood that they’ll blame themselves for your “loss of enthusiasm.”

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men Of Platonic Physical Intimacy

"American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the  long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge."

Read the full article by Mark Greene @ goodmenproject.com 

Can Straight Men be Attracted to Men? (O.C.)

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I keep coming across content around the web concerning the seemingly "abnormal" same-sex interests and behaviors among straight men.  These discussions frequently involve self-identified straight men who have found themselves sexually or romantically interested (or curious about) other men.  On occasion, these discussions involve men who’ve had sexual or romantic experiences (or even relationships) with other men, while continuing to identify themselves as straight/heterosexual.  These men often begin to question their heterosexuality – either because of their own confusion or because others begin to question the straight identity of these men 

Take, for instance, this post on the subreddit r/sex, where a self-identified straight man describes his worry that others will view him negatively because of his openness to gay sexual experiences.  He writes:

 I'm self-identified as a straight man…. I, however, have this thing I feel is an issue. I can get turned on by both straight and gay porn…. And, here's where it gets complicated. I've acted on this a few times…. I only feel it's an issue because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it and need some guidance or maybe validation….

So, please, be honest. Have you ever fantasized about this? Have you played around with another dude? And, biggest question of all... did you tell your future gf/wife about it? (I mean, I could see them not taking it well, because of the stigma.) Or would you just hush up about it, and continue the tradition of not talking about it?

This scenario doesn’t seem to be all that uncommon.  In fact, recently The Huffington Post published an article by Dr. Joe Kort, titled: Why Some Straight Men Are Romantically or Sexually Attracted to Other Men, which discusses the prevalence of homosexual attraction among men who describe themselves as straight. Dr. Kort offers several explanations about why straight-identified men would express interest in other men.  His list of explanations includes: narcissism, sexual addiction, cuckolding, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex for money, shame seeking, having a high sex drive, “father hunger,” fetishism, “homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder, and “homosexual imprinting” from childhood sexual abuse.

While Dr. Kort is helping bring-to-light the fact that men who identify as straight may also have some sexual and/or romantic interest in other men, his explanations for these occurrences completely miss the mark.  Few of them are backed by research and many of them are not explanations so much as descriptions of specific behaviors (e.g. exhibitionism, cuckholding).  What’s worse, most of these “explanations” pathologize (i.e. regard as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy) the interests and behaviors of these men.

The idea that straight men who’ve had gay experiences or who express attraction to other men require an explanation for their behaviors/interests is based in archaic & uniformed notions of sexuality.  As a social scientist who specializes in male sexuality, I’ve spent a lot of time researching and talking to men about their sexual and romantic interests and behaviors.  If I’ve learned anything about men in this regard, it’s that the labels “straight, gay, and bisexual” are at best vague references to the true complexity of an individual’s sexual orientation. In fact what’s considered gay or straight behavior varies from culture to culture.  Some cultures see any intimacy between men as evidence of homosexuality.  Some cultures only consider being the receptive sexual partner (i.e., the “bottom”) as evidence of homosexuality.  And a few cultures even view homosexual activity as a natural part of masculine development.  These variations from culture to culture in what is considered “straight” behavior suggest that there is no hard-and-fast rule about what it means to be straight.

It’s been nearly three-quarters of a century since sex researcher Alfred Kinsey published his famous Kinsey Scale, and along with it an entire volume of research discounting the idea that sexual orientation is structured in a black & white (or gay & straight) way.  Kinsey described sexual orientation as ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual and suggested that very few men (or women) were truly “exclusively straight” or “exclusively gay.”  As a biologist, Kinsey understood that the occurrence of absolutes is a rare thing in nature.  He knew that even a guy who knows himself to be straight and completely attracted to women might, under certain circumstances, find himself sexually and/or romantically interested in another man.  This is known to happen when women are absent or unavailable – e.g. in prison.

I’m not saying that we should stop using labels to describe our sexual orientations.  Many people (gay, straight, bisexual, etc) gain a sense of connection and community by associating with others that identify similarly to themselves. But it is important to also keep in mind that these labels don’t reflect the true complexity of our sexualities.  And we should be no more surprised to find out that a self-identified “straight” man has had a gay experience than we are to discover that a man with self-described “brown” hair also has natural blond highlights. 

No one killed because of kindness: Making a case for compassion (O.C.)

http://www.newsmax.com/

Yesterday, a 20-year-old young man by the name of Michael Hill walked into an elementary school in Decatur, Georgia with an assault rifle, two bags filled with 500 rounds of ammunition, and a plan that would dump salt into an American wound that seems like it may never heal.  However, what ultimately occurred was an act of compassion that thwarted a potentially devastating loss of life.  The difference? The brave and compassionate actions of Antoinette Tuff, a clerk at the school – an everyday woman, who saw past Michael’s violent posturing to see a tortured young man.

When these types of all-too-common events occur.  We often hear about the bravery of those involved – the victims, the families, the police and other responders.  But this is the first time we’ve heard about a brave and compassionate response to such a threat.  When things go wrong in this society, our first response is often to find and punish those involved.  Perhaps it’s to make an example of them.  Or to satisfy a more basic impulse for revenge.  We are good at doling out punishment in this country; just take a quick look at our prison and incarceration data.

Since 1982, this country has endured over 60 mass shootings.  More than half of those shootings have occurred in the last 15 years, beginning with the 1999 shooting at Columbine High School.   Punishing an individual for an single crime may remove or discourage that individual public threat; however, when we are met with recurring tragic events, such as the recent rash of mass shooting, this points to a larger problem with the larger system, of which the individual only makes up one part. 

In the media furor following such shootings, we begin to ask ourselves how this happened.  This often sparks a superficial debate about guns or video games, with the usual political suspects taking their seemingly preordained sides – blindly pointing fingers and/or defending their standard political positions.  And instead of scrutinizing their own positions or wondering what else can be done, they stick to their political talking points, afraid of risking their own political/party favor in the service of their country.  And so we (the American People) are left to endure months of political theater about gun laws and video game ratings, while our lawmakers pass vapid and toothless legislation, and pat themselves on the back for a “job well-done.”

Meanwhile, young men continue to spiral out of control – killing our children in a process of what is clearly a last, desperate, and often fatal cry for help.  And instead of answering that cry, we point at these young men as the archetypes of villainy.  Don’t misunderstand, I do not condone their crimes.  But as a scientist and student of psychology, I know that in order to prevent such occurrences in the future, we have to look beyond the furor of blame and punishment.  We must try to understand what motivates these young men to perpetrate such heinous acts and address the impetus for their motivations.  All too often we are infatuated with how something happened, without stopping to consider “why?”   We content ourselves with the notion that these young men are “sick” or “mentally unstable.”  Yet, these apathetic dismissals stagnate our ability as a society to understand why certain young men act out in this way, and such dismissals ultimately prevent us from finding real solutions that work.

Yesterday, trapped in a terrible situation and fearing for her life, Antoinette Tuff reached out to a would-be killer (that is, a young man) with compassion & empathy. 

Here are a few of her words:

“He said he don’t care if he die[s] – he don’t have nothing to live for.”

“He said that he should just shoot [himself].”

“I can help you.”

“No it does matter.  I can let them know that you have not tried to harm me or do anything to me.”

“Well don’t feel bad, baby, my husband just left me after thirty-three years.”

“We not gonna hate you, baby.”

“He wants me to go on the intercom and tell everybody that he’s sorry.”

“It’s going to be alright, sweetie.  I just want you to know that I love you though and that I’m proud of you.”

“We all go through something in life.”

Consider, if just one compassionate conversation with a stranger could compel this young man to lay down his arms and reconsider his violent intent, what might have occurred if this young man had felt this level of compassion from someone in his life days, weeks, or years earlier.

Beyond their demographic profile, the young men who commit these types of violent crimes tend to have one thing in common: they are socially isolated.  The perpetrators of these crimes are often young men with few people in their lives that they feel truly care about them.  They feel as though they have nothing and no one to live for.  They are (at the very least) intensely Depressed.   And often have additional pervasive cognitive or emotional disabilities, e.g. Schizophrenia, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc.  However, it is important to understand that it is the combination of these disturbances that can lead to potential violence. 

Violent action is a typical symptom of male depression.  But the majority of otherwise stable men find ways to express their aggression without hurting others – playing sports, shouting at the television, (even) punching a wall.   But it is severe, longstanding Depression combined with additional serious mental deficits that compels a few young men to extreme acts of violence. 

What these young men really want and need, is what all of us, as human beings, want and need: to know that we are truly loved and valued by someone – anyone.  Yesterday, Antoinette Tuff showed a young man this type of genuine compassion, even while he was in the midst of pursuing terrible acts.  And having gotten the one, true thing that caused him to show up to that school in the first place – acknowledgement, love, and compassion from another person – Michael put down his gun and turned himself in. 

Men: Unwanted & Unneeded?

In his article, 

Men Must Be Needed Because We Can’t Be Wanted

Noah Brand, Editor-in-Chief of The Good Men Project, writes about the distress men experience when they feel both unwanted and unneeded by their society and those around them. 

Brotherly Love (Video)